The Looking Glass Self
by syriala
Summary: James was having problems with understanding where exactly he stood with the team, Tony and especially Steve. He thinks he has finally found some kind of equilibrium with them, when a portal from another dimension makes him question his own worth.
1. Chapter 1

This was originally written for the WinterIron Holiday Exchange on Tumblr for Lienwyn and has been posted on AO3 as well under the same name and the same username. It was supposed to be a lot shorter but things happened and now we got this. Along the way I got inspired by art from 01091006. tumblr which you can find if you add post/ 99346422609 this to their url adress. It's a bit spoiler-y so I'll put the 'link' at the end of the last chapter as well. Enjoy!

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James knew that he wasn't doing so well. Sure, he was trying, but according to the worried glances Steve and occasionally Natasha still threw him and then each other, he wasn't doing nearly well enough; either for them or for the general opinion on how recovery was supposed to go, he didn't know. And he didn't ask.

James wasn't much into talking these days, and if he said anything at all, it was usually biting and full of sarcasm. Steve heavily disapproved, though he usually tried not to let it show too much. James was jumpy, avoided touch like it burned him and he wouldn't go anywhere without at least one knife on him.

There had been more than one intervention about that, Steve demanding he tried to go without one, at least in the tower, or trying to coax him into only taking one knife at a time, but he hadn't been successful. Partly because James could be a stubborn son of a bitch and just didn't give a damn and partly because no one backed him up.

Natasha and Clint were never unarmed, that obviously came with being a spy and assassin, Thor was practically a weapon himself with how strong and indestructible he was, Bruce technically fell into the 'never unarmed' category because of the Hulk and Tony only looked at the metal arm, back to Steve and walked out of the room.

The metal arm was also a very touchy subject, but more so for Steve than for James. James knew that that part wholly belonged to Hydra and that it was probably perceived as nothing but a weapon by Steve, it was after all dangerous and it gave him an advantage additionally to being stronger than normal thanks to the serum, but for him it was just another part of his body. He had tried to explain that to Steve in the beginning but he would have none of it and sent him down to Tony's workshop, so that the arm could be taken off and be replaced by one that wouldn't be quite so strong.

Since James wouldn't go there himself, refusing to let anyone take the arm from him or make decisions for him, Steve escorted him there, dropping him off like a petulant child, while he told Tony what he wanted him to do and Steve only left when Tony nodded his agreement.

James had been on edge the whole time but that agreement was enough to make him furious, because it felt a lot like being with Hydra again; people making decisions about his body, not asking for his permission and when Tony turned around to him James was ready to punch him in the face, consequences be damned. Jarvis would alert Steve if he did it, no doubt about that, and it would give James the opportunity to hit him as well, so it didn't seem like the worst idea ever.

But Tony didn't approach him though; instead he sat back down and looked at him intently. "So. We heard what Steve wants. What do you want?" Tony asked him after a minute of silence.

James was taken aback by that, he hadn't expected to be asked about his opinion at all and it left him at a loss for words. "Okay, look," Tony eventually said. "I could probably do what Steve asked, well demanded is probably more apt here. And he's right, I could. No problem there. I don't know how the arm works yet, but taking it offline shouldn't be a problem. But going by the daggers you glared at us, I'm guessing you don't agree. So why don't you tell me what you want done and we can ignore Steve's orders."

James needed a second to get his thoughts straight but then he asked "You would go against Steve?"

Tony scoffed at that. "It's your arm. There's nothing for him to wish about that."

James hadn't spent that much time with Tony, sure there was the occasional team bonding thing that Steve dragged him to, but James got the distinct impression that the things he heard about Tony weren't all true. And he had heard a lot. People, especially Steve, seemed to forget that he could indeed listen to conversations even if he took no part in it. And James wasn't stupid, he had done his research on all members of the team and the internet had a lot to say about Anthony Stark, and mostly they weren't good things. This little act of kindness showed James that he would have to be a lot more careful with what he believed in though and he tried to put the knowledge he had already gathered through secondary sources to the back of his mind.

It seemed like he'd stayed quite too long for Tony and so he was jolted out of his thoughts when Tony clapped his hands. "So, what's it gonna be, Robocop?"

"I don't want you to take it off. Or offline, for that matter," James eventually said.

"Done. Do you want me to check it over or you just wanna sit there and evade the disapproving Captain?"

"I didn't peg you as someone who'd ask," James truthfully told him and Tony shrugged, though he seemed offended.

"I'm the guy who gets off on consent. In bed as well as normal interaction," Tony answered him.

James nodded at that but cradled his arm closer in a protective gesture. He knew that Tony would have to check the arm over eventually, it wasn't made for extensive use, only servable for the short times he was out of cryo-freeze, but James wasn't ready yet to let someone take it apart. It looked like his gesture had been telling enough because Tony turned away from him.

"All right, sitting it is. Don't touch anything, half the stuff is delicate and the other half is probably gonna blow up sooner or later, and don't take anything Dummy made you without checking with Jarvis first."

And that seemed to be all Tony was gonna say to him because a second later music blasted out of the speakers before James could even ask who this Dummy was.

When James had eventually resurfaced from the workshop Steve had already waited for him, presumably to check Tony's work, and he seemed angry that Tony hadn't done what he had asked of him. James didn't even spare him more than a glance and went back to the communal floor. James wasn't sure what happened after that but two days later Steve came to him and apologized for making assumptions and ordering James around. James had accepted the apology, but he was still wary of the things Steve wanted from him.

But ever since that first time James had found a strange fascination with the workshop, and the man who occupied it, and so it only took a few days before he found his way back down to it.

That first time James had come down to the workshop he hadn't really paid attention to much around him. He had looked around a bit but only noticed what was directly in front of him, too stressed out by the situation that took place before that.

That changed the second time he came down though. This time there was no immediate threat to him or his arm and so he was a lot more relaxed. He hadn't been sure if he was allowed to come down by himself, because he had never observed one of the others do it, but Jarvis didn't object, so James continued his way to the shop.

Tony was in it, that much was visible through the glass walls, but when James tried to enter, the door didn't move. He knocked on the glass but Tony didn't react and James supposed that he was listening to music again. He tried it a second time, hoping that maybe Tony would see the movement or something, but that didn't work either. James was about to leave again when Tony looked up at the ceiling, obviously irritated and saying something and then he turned around to the door. James gave a weak wave with his hand and just like that the door opened.

"What's up?" Tony asked with a careful look at his metal arm while James walked over to the same spot he had sat in the first time.

"Nothing?" James asked back, suddenly unsure if this had been a good idea after all. Maybe there was a reason no one ever came down here.

"Why are you here then?" Tony inquired with a frown and James slightly relaxed. "I wanted to spend some time here. I thought I could just sit there like the first time?" Tony stared at him for a little while longer, visibly taken aback, but then he nodded.

"Sure, eh, suit yourself, I guess." He started to turn away from James and back to his work but stopped to tell James: "The same rules apply, though. And be nice to Dummy and You."

Before James could ask who exactly those people were, Tony had warned him about Dummy the last time as well, the music was back on and Tony was already fiddling with something. James sat down, slightly wary of these other people in here. He came to the workshop because he didn't want to see anyone. Sure, Tony was here but James had counted on him being too engrossed in his work to actually pay attention to him or try to talk. And while it seemed like he had been right about Tony, he hadn't thought someone else could be here.

He suspiciously looked around the workshop, only now realizing how big it actually was. Tony was working in the front but the shop was really awfully big. James had the impression that the back was mostly used for testing but he could also make out some cars. But no other humans were to be seen and so James relaxed into the couch he had sat on before as well.

He watched Tony work, burning with questions but not daring to ask. He didn't know if Tony would be annoyed with his possibly rather stupid questions or if he even could explain anything. James knowledge of the technology of this century was awfully limited. Sure, he knew about tablets and AIs, the internet and smartphones, so he wasn't as lost as Steve probably was in all of this, but he lacked the general understanding of how things worked. They just were. He really wanted to know though; he just wasn't sure if asking Tony anything before he had the necessary basics down was a good idea.

And so instead of pestering Tony with his questions he kept quiet and settled down to watch. That was interesting enough in itself. He was so mesmerized by Tony's graceful and sure movements that it took some time before he noticed the noises that came from his right. He jerked back, away from the source of the noise, and then he just stared.

He wasn't sure what exactly it was that was standing next to the couch but it looked a lot like an arm with a claw at its end. It obviously was the source of the noise because while James looked on in confusion the arm tilted slightly to the side and it let out a string of beeps that sounded strangely inquiring to James. The arm moved a bit up and down when James didn't move and he only reacted when the arm reached for him.

James shot up from the couch, out of reach, only to bump into something that definitely hadn't been there when he first sat down. He turned around and to his utter surprise there was another arm behind him, making the same strange noises the one next to the couch did.

"Tony," he nearly shouted, still backing away from the couch, to put more space between the odd arms and himself.

"What?" Tony asked, sounding exasperated but he turned around and then a smile broke out on his face. "Ah, I see. You met Dummy and You."

"I met what?" James asked, still slightly backing away from the couch and closer to Tony. He didn't seem worried, so James figured there was no need for him to really put distance between those arm and himself but he couldn't help the instinct. Not until he knew exactly what they were.

"Those are the robots I warned you about?" Tony said to him and turned his back to the arms. James cringed at that, he still wasn't convinced they weren't a threat but they didn't move anymore, just shook their claws a bit.

"Robots?" James asked weakly and Tony frowned.

"I'm sure I mentioned them? At some point? I told you not to take any drinks from them."

That brought James full attention to Tony. "They are the… I thought you were talking about people. As in humans."

"Oh," Tony managed and then he doubled over in laughter. "Why would you think there are people down here? And people called Dummy and You, nonetheless?" he asked when he had managed to get some air.

"How was I supposed to know?" James inquired, voice a bit louder than normal. "This place is huge, what do I know what you hide down here. And I was a bit too worried by the prospect of other humans down here to wonder about their names!"

"Why would you be worried about other people being here?" Tony asked, instantly serious again as he tilted his head slightly, and James watched the robots mimic his movement. It was eerily similar, especially since they didn't have a face.

James shuffled on the spot, not sure how to put the need of being away from people into words and at the same time making it clear that Tony didn't somehow count without insulting him, but he couldn't and so in the end he just shrugged and went with "I don't like being around people somedays."

Tony's eyebrows shot up at that and he seemed taken aback. "But you come down here, specifically, and I'm always here."

"I know," James eventually answered and he shrugged again. "You're different? Not so imposing, maybe? I don't know. I can't explain it."

Tony didn't say anything to that but he watched him closely for a few seconds before he turned around to the robots again. "This is Dummy," he said and pointed at the one that James had noticed first. "And this is You." He pointed at the other one and both chirped when their names fell, sounding excited.

"I made Dummy when I was still in MIT and it shows, he is not the brightest one, and You came along a few years later as company for Dummy. They are essentially harmless though their lack of proper judgment could pose a serious threat sometimes. Mostly they are curious, though, and act a lot like children. Yes, I'm talking about you, Dummy, don't gimme that sad noise now. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

James watched their exchange in awe, surprised by how expressive Dummy seemed, even though he was only able to make various beeping sounds. You eventually joined them in their conversation and James silently continued to watch them until Tony turned back around to him.

"If Dummy ever approaches you with a fire extinguisher you run, because he will use it on you, no matter if you are on fire or not. I mean you're hot enough that it would be warranted, but I bet the arm is a bitch to clean."

James didn't know what to make of that, thinking that he had missed a vital conversation part, but when Tony continued to wait for an answer he nodded.

"Okay then. I really have to finish this prototype for Pepper now, so if you don't mind?" Tony asked him and pointed at his workbench.

"Yeah, sure," James said but he wasn't sure at all and he was still eyeing the robots carefully.

"My bots won't hurt you," Tony said, obviously picking up on James' hesitation but he didn't turn back around to him.

"Okay," James mumbled nonetheless and slowly walked back over to the couch. You and Dummy rolled a bit closer when he sat down on it again but they really seemed more curious than dangerous and James slightly relaxed back into the cushions.

The bots constantly chirped and beeped as if they were having a conversation and James was lured into a light doze by that. He jolted out of it when there was suddenly a claw on his metal arm.

James was instantly ready for a fight, no one touched him without his consent, not anymore, but the claw promptly retracted and Dummy was making a concerned noise.

"Mister Barnes, they don't mean any harm. They are just curious about your metal arm. It appears they think it belongs to, well, the family," Jarvis' voice explained and James could see that Tony was listening and watching them from the corner of his eyes but he didn't turn around to them.

"The family?"

"Ever since Sir came back with the arc reactor they seem to think that anyone with some sort of metal in or on their body belongs to the family."

At this Tony finally turned around. "What?" he asked and sounded confused. "Why didn't I know that? Was I not family before?"

"They were aware that you made them but ever since the arc reactor came into play they seem to think you are truly their father. I can't really explain it. Considering that they are relatively limited in their abilities their reasoning on that one is rather complex."

Tony stared off for a few seconds before he asked "What about Rhodey?"

"Colonel Rhodes is considered family since you gave him one of the suits."

"What about Pepper, then? She doesn't have any metal."

"That is correct, but ever since Dummy and You realized she takes care of you, she gained that status nonetheless."

"Like the caring mom to me being dad?" Tony asked and there was a strange undertone to his voice.

"More like the big sister, really," Jarvis immediately replied and Tony slightly relaxed.

"That makes Rhodey my brother or what?"

"It appears so, Sir."

"And what would that make me?" James asked and looked at the ceiling, curious about the answer. Tony looked curious as well but he had is gaze trained on James.

"So far they seem to think you are their brother, Mister Barnes. Their reasoning on this is relatively simple. It essentially says that anything or anyone with a metal arm must be a sibling."

James tried not to smile at that. Tony had no such inhibitions because he laughed out loud. "Welcome to the family then," he eventually said to James right before he turned back around to his work.

James was a bit stunned by that; it shouldn't be so easy to be accepted, not after everything he had done. But there seemed to be no lie in Tony's words, nothing that indicated that he didn't mean what he just said, and James was blindsided by the easy acceptance.

The bots chirped excitedly again and James relaxed back onto the couch. He extended his arm towards Dummy, who was quick to take a hold of it and turn it around.

James had expected some kind of force, the bots were metal after all and could probably restrict him, but he could only feel the lightest touch on the plates. They turned and bend the arm in every direction it could go and stopped when they realized there were some directions it couldn't go.

James couldn't even express how grateful he was for the careful consideration and the undeniable awe the bots treated his arm with. So far, the metal arm had been a thing to fear and while only Steve had made it incredible clear that he wanted the arm to be gone, James knew that the other inhabitants of the tower couldn't be too happy about it either. He had nearly killed Natasha and Sam with it and the others had to realize that it was an incredible dangerous weapon.

The only one who had any positive feelings towards the arm seemed to be Tony and James knew that he only waited for the moment he could get his hands on it. So far Tony hadn't made a move but James could see the little glances Tony threw the arm and how his eyes lit up whenever he did something that required absolute control.

So far no one had seemed to accept the arm just for what it was, another part of James, something that belonged to him, was under his control, and on the bad days it really grated on his nerves.

But the bots, they just seemed full of wonder and excitement for it and James enjoyed it to no end. And so he let the bots explore as much as they wanted, only dimly aware that at one point Tony had turned around to watch them for a few minutes before he turned back to his work again.

James thought that the bots were incredibly articulate, even without using proper words, and he could immediately tell if they were happy or displeased. The cadence and rapidity with which they made the noises told him enough about their mood and it was easy to respond to them, so much easier than actual human contact.

He enjoyed his stay there so much that he didn't even realized how time went by and the bots only let go of his hand when Steve walked into the workshop.

Steve seemed a bit taken aback by the view that presented itself but he recovered quickly and asked "Why are you not up yet?"

James turned his head around to him but before he could ask what he meant Tony already did that.

"Up for what?" Tony didn't even look away from his work and James could tell that Steve was irritated by it.

"Bruce cooked dinner? The team thing? That was kinda your idea?" Steve told them and now Tony turned around on his chair.

"That was today?"

"Is today. Like, right now. The food is getting cold as we speak."

James hadn't heard anything about this but he wasn't really surprised. He tended to avoid rooms with more than two people in them and he wasn't really angry that no one had thought to tell him. He wasn't part of this group, so a team building thing, which this obviously was, shouldn't include him anyway.

Something in his body language must have conveyed that particular thought because Steve turned towards him now. "If you can take this many people today, you're coming too, James."

It wasn't formed as a question but since Steve considered his bad days James felt enabled to say no if he really wanted to. He weighed his options for a bit, unsure if he would make it through a dinner with the team but before he could come to a decision Tony chimed in.

"Why don't you go on ahead, Captain, we'll be there in a minute."

Steve seemed suspicious but he nodded. "If you're not, we'll bring the party down to you."

Tony shuddered at that, he hated to have many people in his workshop, especially if they managed to leave a chaos behind. "We'll be there."

Steve walked back out after Tony said that and James curiously turned around to him.

"You know you can say no, right? You don't have to do what he says."

"I know that now. I was just trying to figure out if I could make it through the dinner without…" having a panic attack, though he didn't say that part. He didn't like having them and he also disliked having to tell people about them. So far, no one had noticed, at least he thought that, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"You can leave whenever you want. Come up with me, get some food, see how it goes. If it gets too much, or you feel overwhelmed, you take your plate and get out of there. No one will judge you for that."

Tony said it nonchalantly, like it wasn't a big deal, but it actually was, at least to James. He still had difficulties seeing all the options he had, other than a yes and no, and it really helped if someone pointed them out without telling him outright what to do. He wasn't sure if Tony was aware of what he just did but James was grateful nonetheless.

"Okay," James finally said and got up but Tony stopped him.

"You know you can also come down here whenever you want right? Jarvis will give you a code for the door, so you can come in even if I'm not here or when the music is on."

This time Tony was staring intensely at him and James felt how his throat got tight. It was an enormous amount of trust Tony had to be putting into him to give him access to the workshop whenever he wanted it and James knew that Tony was at least fully aware of what this meant to him.

"Thank you," he weakly managed after a few seconds, and Tony just shrugged.

"Not a problem."

With that he shut all his windows down and motioned for Jarvis to turn off the lights, while he walked to the door. He stopped when he realized that James wasn't following him immediately.

James was busy saying goodbye to the bots and so he didn't realize that Tony was smiling again until he turned around to finally leave.

"What?" he defensively asked him and Tony shrugged.

"Nothing."

James stared him down until Tony finally sighed and said "It's just been some time since someone treated my bots like … well, like they are actual people and not just some metal arms on rolls."

James hadn't expected that and he stared back at the bots. "But they are so expressive."

"That they are. It's just good to see someone else noticing this, that's all."

James nodded, because that he understood. He had been surprised when someone had treated him like a human and not a killing machine as well, so he could understand what Tony was saying. He gave a small smile back to Tony who seemed to remember what they were originally doing.

"Come on, let's go, Robocop, before they all come down here. I don't want Barton anywhere near my delicate work."

With a last look at the bots James followed Tony up the stairs and to a no doubt very stressful dinner.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony didn't pressure James into anything with his standing invitation and James was grateful for that. He could still come down to the workshop without meeting anyone's expectations and even though he knew that Tony wanted to take a look at the arm he never said so. And so in a very broad sense the deathly machine Hydra had put on him had led to the currently best thing in his life: spending time in the workshop.

Steve seemed to think that it was just another way to evade people, which wasn't untrue, but James was spending time with Tony, even though nearly no one else made it down to the workshop. Either way, Steve kept throwing glances at him and while James could understand that he was worried, for his long lost best friend at least, he wished Steve wouldn't act like he was broken.

Sure, he knew that he was a mess, the nightmares and panic attacks and jumpiness was proof enough of that, but he didn't _feel_ broken. He had been through a lot, intellectually he knew that, but he was still not really processing all things that happened, let alone making his peace with them, and while that made it probably okay to worry about him, it didn't justify Steve's desperate need for him to be okay.

James had tried to tell Steve that once, that he wouldn't fall apart or back into Winter Soldier mode, even if Steve left for an hour, his wellbeing was not tethered to Steve's presence, but Steve didn't seem to trust him at all.

Since James spend most of the time down in the workshop, Steve had visited more often, but he didn't seem to be comfortable down there and so James finally had some time away from him and his judging glances.

James knew that it was probably unfair to think so badly of Steve, he wanted nothing more than to help after all, but his help felt stifling to James, and he couldn't help the thought that Steve just wanted the Bucky from before the fall back, and that was something he couldn't give to him. He couldn't even take the guy's name, there was no way in hell he would ever act like him again. Steve had told him stories of all the things Bucky used to enjoy and while it all seemed like a really pleasant story it was nothing more than that for James.

Whenever Steve told one of his stories he looked so hopeful at James, hopeful that he would remember, that it would bring certain traits back, and James didn't have the courage to tell Steve that he _did_ remember everything. He just couldn't be that guy anymore. He knew that Steve still hoped that he would go back to being the Bucky from before when his memories came back and James was afraid of what it would do to Steve if he realized that his Bucky was lost.

While James couldn't act or behave like before the fall, it changed nothing about the fact that he loved Steve like his brother and he just couldn't crush his hopes so thoroughly like that. There even was a small part of him that feared that if Steve realized that he wouldn't get his Bucky back, that James then no longer had a place in the tower or in Steve's life. James did his best to silence that part, Steve had a bigger heart than that, but the doubt was always there, especially when Steve began talking about Bucky again.

So James not only had to find out how to live his life now, he also had to balance it with Steve's wished and hopes and it was quickly draining him to the point where he didn't want to do anything but hide in his room. There were only very few things James wholeheartedly enjoyed and the workshop happened to be one of these things.

James enjoyed spending time in the workshop to no end. He was never alone down there, Tony usually a steady presence without invading James private little bubble. Even if Tony wasn't there, the bots still were, and James found them strangely endearing.

There were days where James hardly could stand human company, where even the sight of another human being set him off, and this night was one of those.

James woke up with a strangled cry and he didn't immediately know where he was. The light in his room slowly came on and he realized that he was in the tower, safe and sound and far away from Hydra. James took some deliberate deep breaths but the shaking wouldn't stop and the lingering fear didn't fade.

He got up, unsure what to do with himself and he realized that he just wanted to go down to the workshop. He felt safe there and he needed that sense of security right now. So James walked out of his room and nearly into Clint. The shaking instantly got worse and he felt trapped, though Clint had already taken a step back.

"Hey, are you okay? You don't look so good," Clint asked, obviously concerned. James swayed on the spot, legs not stable enough to carry him and Clint's hand shot out to steady him.

James lost a bit of time after that because the next thing he knew, Clint was on his back on the floor, bleeding from a head wound and knife pressed to his throat.

"Hey, hey, you're in the tower, with the Avengers. Steve found you, your name is James and just yesterday you kicked Natasha's ass during sparring, remember that?" Clint was babbling and James blinked a few times to clear his head.

When he realized that it was indeed Clint underneath him and not some Hydra agent, he scrambled away from him, knife still gripped tightly, but nonetheless shaking. "Sorry," he rasped while Clint slowly got up.

"No man, it's fine," Clint said and pressed a hand over the wound on his temple. "A few months ago Bruce tried to touch me after a nightmare and I hit him. The Hulk was not amused, I can tell you. I should have known better, really."

James was still unsteady on his legs and Clint's hand shot out again, but this time he didn't make the contact. "Do you need something? Should I get someone?" he asked, concern still obvious in his voice. James shook his head, unable to find his voice again. "Okay. You were on your way to somewhere right? Why don't you just continue?" Clint asked him and James really wanted nothing more than to leave right now but his guilt won out for the moment.

He pointed to Clint's head unsure what to do about the wound, because he really didn't want to touch someone right now. But Clint made it easy for him, when he shook his head. "Nah man, it's fine. I'll patch it up myself, now worries."

James knew it wasn't right to leave Clint like this, still bleeding and probably bruising, but he wanted nothing more than to be away from him and so James just nodded in his direction and then practically fled. He didn't even stop for the elevator, running straight for the stairs.

Only when he approached the workshop did he slow down. He realized that he had no clue if Tony was there or if he was allowed in the workshop if he wasn't, but he had to try. James entered the code Tony had given him with his invitation and to his immense relief the door opened.

The music that engulfed him instantly did a lot to his mind; it chased the lingering doubt of where he was away but simultaneously it was too much, he would never hear anyone approach, he would be vulnerable. That thought froze him in the doorway and he suddenly didn't know if he wanted to leave or enter the workshop. He was still caught in this dilemma when the music abruptly stopped.

"James?" he heard someone ask and that brought him back to the here and now. Tony was looking intently at him and James cringed under the scrutiny. The shaking had started again, or maybe it never really stopped, he didn't know, and Tony seemed worried now by the prolonged silence.

"Okay, James, why don't you come over here and sit down?" Tony asked and when the hell had he come so close? James flinched away from him, in desperate need of more space and thankfully Tony stepped back as well. "Okay, space for you, got it." James still wasn't able to respond to anything but Tony seemed fine with that.

"Come on, James, let's sit down." He walked over to the couch and James followed him, feeling like he was on autopilot. He sat down on the couch while Tony was rummaging around in a cupboard before he came back with a blanket that he handed James. He took it reflexively but didn't know what to do with it. Tony seemed to realize that because he gently took it from him again and carefully put it around his shoulders. James startled badly when the weight settled down on his shoulders but he instantly pulled it tighter around him.

"You need anything else?" Tony asked James who managed to shake his head. "Good. I'll be right over there," he said and pointed at a disassembled Iron Man suit, "and if you need anything you can ask. You remember Dummy and You? I can keep them away from you if you want that," he offered but James shook his head again. He couldn't stand human contact right now but the bots were calming to him with their clicking and chirping and he needed that right now.

"You want them to come over?" Tony asked and James desperately nodded. "Alright, we can do that. Dummy can probably make you a tea. Well, it'll be something to drink. Probably. Maybe. You can supervise him. Or Jarvis. Jarvis should probably supervise them."

James huffed a little laugh at that. He wasn't sure if Tony was being deliberately ridiculous or if he just was like that, he didn't know him well enough for that yet, but it gave this whole situation a sense of reality. Tony shot him a quick smile at his reaction and then said: "I'll look for them and send them over. You just stay put and if you need anything else speak up. Or, you know, make a noise or something."

James settled deeper into the couch, curled up in one corner, legs brought up and blanket covering everything. Tony went back to his work, though he didn't start the music again and James was grateful for that. Dummy and You came over a second later and they whirred and clicked at him until he extracted his left arm form the blanket.

The bots had a strange fascination with the metal arm but James was happy to indulge them. They were a lot like over excited children and whenever James watched Tony take something new apart, he knew exactly where the bots got that from.

James had been confused that Tony wasn't all over his arm himself but by now he had realized that Tony was giving him time, that he would be excited as soon as James allowed him to be, and it did wonders for James sense of self.

The bots were a different matter though and they carefully turned his arm this and that way, moved his fingers and tried to lift the plates, though they were very careful with that. James closed his eyes, letting the bots do what they wanted and concentrated on the sensations of their touch.

He must have fallen asleep at one point because when he opened his eyes again Tony was gone, a second blanked over his lap and Dummy rested his head on the palm of his metal hand. You had his head on James's shoulder, a constant presence and James wondered how he slept through all of that.

James slowly extracted himself, but the bots immediately noticed his movements and began to whir and click excitedly. James smiled at them, feeling much better than he had before and he gently patted their heads. He got up and quickly folded the blankets and put them back on the couch "Jarvis, what time is it?" he quietly asked with a little glance to the ceiling.

"It's 8:08 in the morning, Mister Barnes," came the prompt reply and James looked up in surprise. "I slept for over 5 hours?"

"It would appear so," Jarvis answered.

James had never slept undisturbed by nightmares for so long. He was caught off guard by the sense of security the workshop obviously gave him and he felt the sudden need to thank Tony for providing this space for him. "Where's Tony, Jarvis?" he asked the Ai.

"Sir is currently asleep. He went to bed two hours after you arrived. I would ask you to let him sleep, Mister Barnes."

"Of course. Is anyone in the kitchen?"

James wasn't sure if he could stand Steve right now, he was still so smothering and always asked about his night and wanted to know details, but he was hungry and definitely needed food.

"Mister Barton is currently making breakfast."

Shit, James had forgotten about Clint. He left the workshop in a hurry and went up to the kitchen. Clint was sitting at the table, bowl of cereal in front of him and currently drinking directly from the coffee pot. He turned around to James when he heard him and James stopped dead in his tracks.

Clint looked horrible. The left side of his face was swollen, and black and purple. Clint could barely look out of his left eye and he had a tape over the bridge of his nose. The cut on his temple was held together by butterfly bandages even though James was pretty sure it needed stitches.

"Shit," James breathed. He hadn't thought the damage would be that bad but it looked like he had hit Clint with his metal arm. He could be lucky if Clint didn't have a concussion on top of everything else.

"Aw, come on, it's not so bad," Clint told him but he couldn't even smile without flinching slightly.

"I am so fucking sorry," James said and Clint waved him off.

"Like I said. I once hit Bruce. Tony wasn't pleased with the damage."

"I hurt you," James said, not even acknowledging what Clint had said.

"You had a nightmare and probably a flashback. I usually know better than to touch someone in that situation. It's partly my fault."

"Did you check for a concussion?" James weakly asked him and Clint laughed.

"I don't think it would make a difference."

That was really not an answer James wanted to hear and he put his face into his hands. "Clint," he mumbled and Clint clasped his shoulder.

"Come on, buddy. It's not so bad. I'll live. It's all fine."

"Did you put at least ice on it?" James asked him and Clint shrugged.

"Maybe? Possibly?"

Before James could say anything else Natasha came into the kitchen and only spared a glance for Clint. "Poke a Hulk again? I didn't hear him roar."

"Nope," Clint said cheerfully and popped the p. "Poked a James instead. Almost as good, though he lacks the property damage."

"Huh," was Natasha's only response while she looked into the fridge.

"I didn't mean to!" James protested when Natasha emerged from the fridge, small smile playing around her lips and yoghurt in her hand.

"Maybe it knocked some common sense into him. I wouldn't take it so hard, James," she said and Clint flicked a soaked piece of cereal at her.

"Hey!"

Natasha graciously evaded the projectile and looked disdainfully at it when it hit the floor with a wet splash. "You're disgusting, Clint," she mildly said.

"And you're evil," Clint happily shot back and went on eating. Natasha smiled fondly at him, then nodded at James and vanished again. James stared after her and then turned back to Clint.

"Shouldn't she be more concerned?" he inquired and Clint shrugged.

"It's not the first time I've looked like this and it won't be the last. It also won't be the last time it's my own fault." James wanted to protest again but Clint interrupted him. "Let it go, man. Shit happens. It'll heal. It'll probably happen again. I don't hold it against you and neither should you."

With that he stood up, brought his bowl to the sink and walked out of the room, but not without asking: "You up for a sparring later?"

James wanted to tell him exactly what he was thinking about that but suddenly Natasha's voice came out of the hallway. "You're concussed, you idiot!"

Clint turned around, eyes wide. "Christ, Tasha. Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you. Jesus Christ." He mumbled something else while walking away but James couldn't understand him anymore. He stared a bit longer at the place where Clint had vanished and finally shook his head. These people were all insane.

Since that night the blankets stayed on the couch and after a month where he mostly slept down in the workshop James didn't even bother with folding them up anymore.

Tony wasn't always there but Jarvis never denied him access and the bots never left him alone for long. Eventually James had learned to sleep in his own room, though the workshop always remained a special place of comfort for him.

Since he usually spend his nights in the workshop it only felt natural to him to also come down, or stay there depending on his night, to the shop during the day and Tony was there more often than not when James did that.

He still had his job at SI, it was still his company after all, and he also had to attend press conferences and Avengers' meetings not to forget the occasional missions. To James it seemed like Tony spend all his remaining free time in the workshop. As far as James could tell he was mostly improving the gear of his team or the suit and only occasionally invented new things for SI.

James had heard a lot about Pepper and Rhodey since he started to visit the workshop, had been there when they had called even, but he hadn't met them yet. In the beginning he had suspected that Tony kept them from him, wanting to keep them safe and far away from the murderous assassin, but by now James knew better than to believe that. And after he had listened to the phone calls he concluded that both had been too busy to come by.

James learned that Rhodey was a Lieutenant Colonel in the army, deployed in Afghanistan, or any other country that needed help. Since he was also War Machine he had a lot of additional formal relations with the government. James suspected it would be some time before he would meet him.

Pepper Potts seemed busy as well. James had only heard one phone call between them and Pepper seemed like a fierce woman, and he couldn't wait to meet her.

Other than that, there were nearly no notable interactions with the team, at least not in the workshop. Steve came down sometimes, but that was always to look after James and since Tony and Steve had this strange truce thing going on ever since Steve had demanded that he take James' arm off there wasn't that much friendly interaction between those two.

Bruce was the other one who made it down occasionally and then it was usually to consult Tony for one of his experiments. James didn't understand it, because as far as he could see Tony was one of the most caring people he had ever seen and additionally to that he was also funny and easy to talk with.

On the days when James couldn't stand company, his dark days as Tony started to call them, Tony didn't try to talk to him, and he even kept the music to an acceptable level, which was so considerate that James sometimes couldn't believe it. When James was in a better mood he kept the music going or kept a running commentary, which James couldn't always follow. It made it very easy to spend time in the workshop. He had tried to thank Tony for that once, but Tony would have none of it, however James noticed the pleased little smile that played around his mouth. Whenever he was down there, James usually used the time to catch up on all the stuff he had been missing. He had been in the midst of quite a few important events but he could barely remember them and it was something different reading about it and their consequences. When he wasn't doing that he tried to learn as much about today's technology as he could. He sometimes was even comfortable enough to ask Tony to explain something to him, which he usually did without much complain.

As time passed on, Steve finally backed off. He was still obviously worried, but he had toned it down to a manageable level and James was grateful for it. He was still not talking much, neither to the others in the tower nor to his therapist, but he was getting better at that. Tony was probably part of that small improvement because he didn't expect James to really talk to him, he was satisfied with sarcastic little remarks to his babbling, or the occasional question, and that James could provide. Since Tony never uttered expectations regarding James and his behaviour, he felt a lot more freely to do as he wanted down in the workshop than he felt in any other part of the tower.

Steve still eyed the arm warily every now and then and James knew enough about Tony now to know that he was dying to get his hands on the arm but it still took another month and some motion problems before he was ready to let Tony take a look at it. Maintenance on the arm was always connected to pain and disregard for the rest of James' body and while he knew that Tony would never be like the Hydra scientists, there was still some lingering fear.

James had tried to put off the repair as long as he could, but when he shattered his favourite mug because the hand wouldn't close properly around it he knew that it was time to let Tony at least take a look on the arm.

James didn't tell Steve and instead went down to the workshop himself, approaching it with more caution than he normally would and despite the fact that Tony was obviously tinkering on something delicate and fully engrossed in his work, he noticed immediately.

"Something wrong, Robocop?" he asked while he welded something together. James had tried to make Tony stop calling him that but it hadn't worked and by now he just accepted it, though he was pretty sure there was a reference he didn't get behind that nickname.

"You're busy…I'll come by later," James answered Tony, but he knew that he wouldn't have the courage to come back today. He had agonized about coming to Tony for help for the better part of the day and he was sure he wouldn't be able to do it again. It was either now or when his arm fully broke down so he really had no other option.

At the tone of his voice Tony turned around to him, tools still in his hands. "What's wrong?" he asked and James suddenly had his full attention.

That was actually one of the things James liked most about coming to the workshop and Tony. Tony had enough attention for his work _and_ James, and probably another hundred things, but whenever he noticed that something was off, either with his tech or with James, his attention focused on that one thing. It was intense and James had seen the others react to that in a bad way, but he found he liked it. For him it meant that in that moment nothing was more important than him, this version of himself, and he cherished those moments.

While Steve was also able to shift his complete focus on James it always felt like there was an ulterior motive, because Steve still looked for traces of Bucky in him, things that James couldn't give him. Tony didn't have any hang ups about that _ **,**_ James was just James for him, and there was nothing else he wanted. At least not that he had shown to James. So yes, many people felt uneasy under such intense focus but James liked it.

It was just a bit offsetting that Tony knew exactly how to interpret his voice, that he knew by the way James had entered the workshop that something was not right. James didn't know what to do with the fact that Tony apparently knew him so well and so he decided to not dwell on that now. He could think about that later. Now he had to concentrate on his arm.

"It's nothing, really, I just can't," James said and then raised his arm to show Tony that he couldn't fully close his hand.

Tony was up in an instance, coming towards him quickly and James found it difficult to breathe. He could feel the panic creep in and he pressed the metal arm to his body, angling it away from Tony, who immediately slowed down.

"Okay, moving too quickly, got that," he told James and stood in the middle of the workshop, not moving towards James anymore. "Can I take a look at it? Is that okay? I promise to keep the tools away for now."

James took deep breaths, reminding himself that this was not Hydra, there was no need to be afraid or to mistrust Tony, and then he nodded. Tony covered the rest of the distance at a more reasonable pace this time and when he was in front of James he extended his hands in question. Right. This was James' decision. No one would force him to do this. It was hard to remember that sometimes but Tony's behaviour gave him the reassurance he needed to extend his arm again.

Tony carefully ran his hands over the smooth surface, getting a feel for it, and then he gingerly turned it around, bend the wrist and fingers in different ways, all with the utmost care. It reminded James a lot of the way the bots handled his hand. "Show me again what doesn't work?" he finally asked and James tried to close his hand again, only to have it stop halfway through. Tony still had his hands on his arm and he moved them a bit closer to the wrist when he asked James to do it again. This time Tony seemed to feel something underneath the metal because he nodded to himself.

"Feels like something in your wrist is stuck. It's probably a cable or a gear that won't turn properly. I have to open it up to get to it."

There was no demand in his voice, it was entirely up to James if he wanted to do this or not, and James felt himself smile. "Okay. Do you have time now?" he asked Tony who smiled in return.

"I always have time for something as gorgeous as this," he told James with a wink and James smile grew wider. Tony always had a way to make him comfortable, even if James didn't feel alright or had a bad day, and this was just another way to do that for him. Sure, it was flirting, James wasn't stupid, but it didn't mean anything, he knew that as well. Tony flirted with everyone, it seemed like that was just who he was, and even if that wasn't the case, James would never be so presuming to think it was about him.

He knew that he looked alright; he had ditched the long hair and the shaggy look and since he regularly ate and slept he had lost his haunted look. But there was still the metal arm and the tons of scars he had around it and as soon as anyone got to know what he had done, no one would look at him twice. James knew that, and while it stung badly on his bad days, it mostly was okay. Besides, he had lost his charming ways long before the fall and he knew that he couldn't charm anyone anymore. Still, it was nice that Tony sometimes turned his flirting towards him, even if it meant nothing.

Tony tugged him towards one of his workbenches, after he silently asked James if that would be okay, and James went willingly. He sat down on a bench after Tony thoughtfully pushed the chair he usually worked in to the side. James watched Tony walk around in the workshop, gathering tools he thought he would need and he laid them all out on the table.

"Do you want me to explain what I'm doing?" he offered James while he searched for something in the chaos he just created. James was fairly certain that this wouldn't be anything like Hydra but he could never predict his flashbacks and someone talking to him wouldn't hurt anyone.

"If that's alright with you," James said, while Tony finally found the tool he was looking for and settled down beside him.

"'Course it is," he answered and James could see that he was already thinking about the upcoming work. James had to give him some credit for being so calm, because he knew that Tony had waited to get his hands on the arm since James had arrived at the tower. But because James had waited so long to let anyone take a look at it, it felt like it was something he did for himself now and not for somebody else, and it made him feel really good.

As soon as Tony came close to the arm he started a running commentary on what exactly it was he was doing, along with some explanation as to how the arm worked. James didn't even have a basic understanding of the inner workings of his arm, since no one took the time to explain it to him, if it got damaged he had to rely on his handlers to repair it, and Tony was giving James a piece he hadn't known was missing.

The arm always made him dependent on someone, the Hydra agents in charge had always made it abundantly clear that even if he managed to escape, or even would want to, he had to come back eventually just to get maintenance on the arm. The person who had designed it surely wasn't thinking about endurance because while the arm could take some heavy hits, it always needed repairing afterwards and on the rare occasions James got to spend some time out of cryo-freeze for a longer mission it broke down pretty quickly. He had wondered, that it had held up so well until now, but he hadn't done anything taxing with it, so that probably explained it.

But now, with Tony explaining everything, and even showing him how some basic functions worked, he could take care of the arm himself, as long as it wasn't seriously damaged. James knew that he would need some lessons as to how to repair it correctly but so far everything seemed fairly manageable to him and it gave him another bit of freedom from Hydra, James hadn't known he was still missing.

Tony took his time with the arm, and when James asked him to check it completely, and not only the wrist so he could get his motion back, he seemed more than happy to do it.

Though James essentially allowed Tony to do what he wanted with the arm, he limited himself to checking it over for obvious degeneration and when he couldn't find anything else he didn't linger.

"That's it. Apart from that little hiccup in the wrist the arm looks fine to me. Not good, I could most definitely do better, I mean how much do you even feel with that, but no more damage."

"What do you mean you could do better?" James asked while Tony closed the arm up again.

"What do you feel with this?" Tony asked him instead of giving an answer and James shrugged.

"Pressure. Pain if it's really bad and near to the shoulder. Intense heat and cold, though mostly because it messes with my movement."

"I can definitely do better. I'm talking touch here. Texture. Heat and cold in a more normal range. Pain if you want."

James stared nonplussed at Tony because he hadn't expected that. Improvements sure, but not to this extend.

"I brushed up on my prosthetics knowledge. Not saying I can give it to you next week but I will be able to come up with a prototype by the end of the month. If you let me scan you, because I'm missing the inner workings of your joint."

"Scan how?" James warily asked because he would not climb into a machine.

"Jarvis can do it. Right now, right here. If you want, that is."

"Did Steve put you up to this? To make me a new arm so he can finally get rid of this one?"

"What? No!" Tony sounded genuinely hurt but James refused to feel bad. Steve had tried to use Tony once before, so it wasn't so far-fetched.

"I just thought it would be nice for you to feel more with this one. I don't even have to make you a new one. I could probably tweak this one as much as I like but that would be more difficult. You'd have to be here all the time, not that you're here all the time anyway, but it would take me some time to get it done and you would have to be attached to the arm the whole time and it could hurt, not sure how delicate everything is. But I could just give you a new inner arm so to speak if that is what you want."

James was still glaring at Tony, unsure if he could believe him and Tony raised his hands in surrender.

"Or I just could back off now and leave you be, got it. Didn't mean to upset you. There's no need to go Winter Soldier on me."

That startled James out of his glare but before he could say anything Natasha strolled into the workshop. She took in the situation in a second and carefully moved next to Tony in a very protective gesture.

"James, I need you to calm down."

James was confused, because he felt calm and it must have shown on his face because Tony nudged Natasha in the hip. "I don't need you to protect me. I don't think he meant to look like that."

Natasha looked down at James before she looked at Tony. "Maybe he needs me to protect you," she said and Tony quickly turned back around to James.

"Right," he breathed and slowly scooted away from James.

"What's going on?" James asked because he really had no clue what was happening right now.

"James, you sometimes go a little Winter Soldier on us," Tony explained from the other end of the bench.

"What?"

"It mostly happens when you're sparring or on your bad days," Natasha calmly said and she didn't move away from him. "You seem to…get lost a bit and then you get this look and it's deathly and a bit dead actually and then we know we temporarily lost you to your programming."

"Why did you never tell me that? I didn't realize I was doing that," he admitted and felt a new wave of horror wash over him. What if he hurt someone while he was in that state? He wouldn't even realize it.

"It's been getting better. And you never seem to realize that you got lost so we talked to your therapist and she said she would mention it. I guess she didn't."

"You're right, she didn't! Why didn't I realize I was losing time?"

Before Natasha could answer Tony interrupted. "What do you remember from this right now?"

"You explained to me what you could do with the arm, or a new arm, and I still wasn't sure if Steve set you up to this and suddenly you backed away and Natasha came in."

Natasha looked at Tony for confirmation and Tony frowned.

"What? Is that not right? Did something happen?"

"No. No," Tony quickly reassured him. "That is exactly what happened."

Natasha thoughtfully turned back around to James. "Yesterday when we sparred. What happened after I kicked the knife out of your hand?"

"I put you into a headlock until you kicked me hard where no man should ever be kicked. I let go of you, and you immediately aimed for my head. I dodged, swept your feet out from under you but you managed to turn it into a roll. You went for my head again, I caught your hand, twisted it behind your body and sat on you to incapacitate you. You tried to free yourself, kicked me in the ribs in the process and then you tapped out."

"Huh," Natasha said and sat down between Tony and James. "That is correct. Those were exactly the moves that happened after."

"So I'm not missing time?" James carefully asked, still a bit worried. He still vividly remembered the night he attacked Clint and if that was something that happened more often than he had realized, he wasn't sure locking himself up in his room wouldn't be the best solution for this.

"Doesn't seem like it. What were you thinking while you fought?" Tony asked him. 

"Not much. Natasha is so quick; I usually don't have time to think much. It's just reacting and instinct."

"I tapped out because I feared you would break my arm," Natasha interjected and she sounded honestly regretful.

"I wouldn't! I just applied enough pressure to make you realize that you wouldn't come out of this. I would never hurt you. Or anyone in this tower. Not deliberately," he added with thoughts to Clint.

Natasha looked thoughtful when she searched his eyes. "You really are in control, aren't you?"

"I always thought so. You were the ones who made me think I could snap at any moment. Especially Steve. In the beginning he made me feel like I would immediately fall back into old behaviour if he wasn't around to remind me that I'm not the Soldier anymore."

"But you are," Natasha said and she didn't sound cruel or even mean. "You _are_ the Soldier. You integrated that part into yourself. I should have noticed that sooner."

"So what you're saying is that there is no danger from Robocop here," Tony wanted to know and Natasha nodded.

"I mean, I can't be sure, but it would make a lot of sense. He never attacked us. He just got all serious and intense."

"That's who I am," James sighed because he knew that he wasn't a lot of fun to be around.

"Steve made it sound like you should be a bit different."

James tensed up at that. "Steve can't see that I'm not his Bucky anymore. I'm not the carefree, cocky guy he told you about. I don't think I ever will be again. If you'll excuse me now," he said and stood up, carefully avoiding looking at them, not wanting to see the disappointment that he couldn't live up to the stories in their eyes. Or worse yet, the pity that came with that realization.

Before he could get far Tony snatched his hand. "I like you fine the way you are," he lowly said and James couldn't find a trace of untruthfulness in him.

Next to Tony Natasha nodded. "He's right. We like you the way you are. We were just always a little worried, because we believed that the Soldier could take over any moment. It made the most sense, because you're not the most talkative and we didn't know what to think. We only had Steve's stories to go by."

James felt a weight fall off his shoulder and he relaxed a bit in Tony's grip. "I'm not… I know that I'm not doing fine, but I'm good enough. If you can believe my therapist, I am handling things pretty well but a lot of things are still incredibly difficult for me. Like socializing. Or loosen up enough to joke with you. I'm not comfortable doing that yet."

"And that's fine. You went through hell; you shouldn't be expected to come out unchanged," Tony said and Natasha nodded her agreement.

"We just had no reference. You keep private, James, the only place you really go to is here and Tony doesn't talk about your visits. So we were worried when you seemed to behave differently. But if we know that this is you, and that you are fine, things are different."

"How are things different now?" James inquired, because he could not see what that revelation would change. The team wouldn't suddenly like him just because of that. Maybe they would try to understand but it wouldn't immediately change a lot, if anything at all.

"If this is you, being fully in control, there's no reason to keep you holed up here in the tower. You can probably go on missions with us," Natasha told him and James looked up, startled.

"I can what?" he asked, because he needed to verify that he had heard her right.

"Steve didn't take you on missions so far because he was afraid you would fall back on the Soldier. He didn't trust you and we just took his judgment for granted."

"Just because I won't fall back on the Soldier doesn't mean you can trust me. I still did all this stuff. Killed all these people. It doesn't change a thing."

"It changes a lot of things, James. I trust you," Tony honestly said and James was caught off guard again. "I let you come down here all the time, don't I. You have a code for the door. How many people have one, do you think?"

"I figured the team would have it as well."

"Nope," Tony said and Natasha sighed. It obviously was an ongoing topic between these two. "The Captain has one because Jarvis gave it to him when I was on a work binge and wouldn't come out to eat. I didn't change it but I also didn't decide to give it to him. Pepper has one, as does Rhodey. The rest of the team, not so much."

"I didn't know that," James admitted

"Now you do. And now that we know you're not very likely to kill us during a mission, we'd be pleased to take you with us. We could always need the back up."

"We'd have to train more, so that we know how you tick in a combat situation but I don't see why you should stay here when we go out," Natasha added.

"What about Steve? I'm not sure he'll believe that I won't regress to the Soldier with the way I still am."

"What do you mean?" Tony asked him and he sounded genuinely curious.

"He wants his Bucky back. The guy I was before I fell from the train. Maybe even the guy I was before I went into war. I don't think he realized yet that that won't happen."

"But you're here," Tony said, confused, but Natasha nodded like she understood exactly what he was saying.

"Steve's a bit hung up on that idea, that much is true. But if we explain it to him, I think he'll understand."

"I'm not so sure," James mumbled but he didn't speak up. "Maybe someone should talk to him?" he eventually said when no one bothered to say anything else.

"Maybe you should. I came down here to ask Tony something actually, so maybe you could do it now," Natasha told him and James shoulders slumped. He really didn't want to confront Steve with this. But one look at Tony, who nodded encouragingly, told him that he would have no choice but to do this now.

"Fine. You're terrible people. If he flips out, I'll blame you."

Natasha nodded like she didn't expect anything else but Tony seemed a bit hesitant now. "You can always come right back down, you know that, right?" he asked James, who nodded slightly.

"Yeah. Not sure about the arm though," he admitted, because he didn't want Tony to think that him coming back down meant he agreed to that.

"No problem. Not sure you should get a new arm to be honest," Tony said and while James looked quizzically at him, Natasha groaned.

"Why is that?" James asked carefully, because Natasha's reaction told him that maybe he didn't want to know the answer.

"You're gorgeous enough as it is," Tony finally said with a big grin and a wink in James direction and Natasha groaned again.

James fought the small smile that played around his mouth and shot back with "I bet you say that to all the people with metal arms."

"Only the ones who make me laugh," Tony didn't hesitate to respond but then Natasha clasped Tony's arm.

"Please don't. I don't need to see you flirt. I was at your birthday party, remember. I saw enough of that."

"I was dying there," Tony exclaimed, "that shouldn't even count."

James watched those two bicker while they walked away to Tony's workbench and when they didn't turn back around to him, he finally sucked it up and walked out of the workshop to search for Steve.


	3. Chapter 3

He found him in the kitchen, preparing some sandwiches, while Bruce was sitting at the table, drinking from his tea and reading a paper. Bruce didn't look up when James came in but Steve turned around and shot him a quick smile before he turned back to his task.

"How ya doing, James?" Steve asked him and James eyed Bruce warily. He really didn't want to talk about this while someone was listening in but Bruce showed no sign that he had noticed him.

"Okay," he said and Steve turned back around to him at that, frown already on his forehead. Bruce also lifted his head at James' statement and James decided that maybe Bruce should stay after all. Now that he knew that the team was afraid he would freak out any second and kill them all, the careful glances he kept getting made a lot more sense. He was sure that Natasha would tell Clint, though he didn't know how concerned Clint actually had been, and he'd have to find Thor later to explain. But if Bruce was here now, he could spare himself that walk.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you," James said to Steve and Bruce moved to get up. "Bruce, you can stay if you want, you probably should hear this, too."

Bruce lowered himself back into his chair, still clutching the mug in his hand and Steve abandoned his sandwiches to walk over to the table.

"What do you want to talk about?" he carefully asked while he leaned against the table. Bruce looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here and James wondered what exactly he expected this talk to be about.

"Tony and Natasha made me aware that there has been some misunderstanding," James started, because there was no sense in talking around the topic.

"Tony, huh," Steve mumbled and Bruce frowned.

"Yeah, and Natasha. What's wrong with that?"

"I'm sure nothing is wrong with it," Bruce interjected and Steve seemed irritated by the interruption. "What was it they made you aware of?"

"I'm not about to go into Soldier mode, as you seemed to have dubbed it, and kill you all. I am perfectly in control and not a danger to you."

There was a beat of silence before Bruce nodded. "That is indeed good to know," he said with a small smile but after a short glance to Steve he got serious again. "Since now I am aware of that, I'll make sure to stay as far away as I can for the rest of the talk. Where's Tony?"

"Eh…in the workshop, probably. Natasha wanted something."

Bruce thanked him for that and then quickly left the room. It looked a lot like he was fleeing and after James turned back around to Steve, it made a whole lot more sense. Steve didn't look happy. James wished he could stay as far away from this talk as he could as well, but that didn't seem likely. And he was pretty sure, neither his former self nor the person he was now, was one to flee a scene.

"What?" James asked defensively and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"What makes you so sure you are in control?" Steve asked him without losing the frown.

"Natasha told me that you all were thinking I lost time sometimes, but that's not true. I know exactly what happens, all the time. There is no 'losing time' for me." He carefully didn't mention the night he attacked Clint but since it hadn't happened again, he didn't feel the need to bring it up again.

"So you are telling me you know when the Soldier takes over."

"That's the thing, Steve. The Soldier doesn't take over. It's just me. I don't have a split personality. The Soldier is not lurking about to catch the right moment to come out and overwhelm me. There's just me in here."

Steve was quiet at that but he looked speculatively at James, obviously expecting more.

"There's nothing happening with me Steve. I'm just a really ungrateful, intense, brooding guy who sometimes takes a challenge to seriously and who doesn't know when to stop because human contact has not been one of the main concerns of my handlers."

"Don't say that," Steve said immediately, like it pained him to hear all of this. "You're not with your handlers anymore and you are not an ungrateful, intense, brooding guy."

"But I am, Steve, I am. That's just how it is. I know that, and I am fine with it. Yes, I probably could socialize more, but I don't know how. I tend to think too much about all the stuff I did. That makes me broody and I know I am giving of that vibe and it's fine. I know I haven't been very grateful for all the things you did and that the team doesn't object to me being here, at least not to my face, and that Tony lets me live here, come down to his workshop and spend time with him."

"How is this now back to Tony?" Steve asked him and from all the things that James just said that was what Steve took away?

"Yeah, how is it?" James said, absolutely not understanding what Steve was going on about.

"You always just talk about Tony and even this now is somehow about him. I don't understand this. Why is everything always about him."

"Probably because I spend the most time with him? Honestly, I have no idea what you're on about. Yes, I talk about him, because I like him and there's nothing else in my life happening that is worth talking about."

Steve looked strangely at him before he lowered his eyes. "You used to tell me everything. Now you're just off talking to Tony, talking _about_ Tony and it seems like there's no place for me in your life anymore."

"You're jealous. You're jealous because I don't spend my time with you. Do you even realize how that sounds, Steve? Like you don't want me to feel okay."

James had no idea how this talk could have derailed like this so quickly but a small part of James was glad it did. It gave him the opportunity to finally address everything that irked him about Steve. Maybe it had been high time to finally do that.

"Of course I want you to be okay, it's just…," Steve started but then he trailed off but James knew what he wanted to say, so he finished the sentence for him. "You want me to be okay with you. You want me to need you."

Steve squirmed under his gaze but he didn't directly object.

"Unbelievable," James muttered but when he turned around Steve finally found his voice again.

"I don't want you to need me. I just want you back. Buck, I lost you." James slightly flinched at the use of his old nickname but Steve didn't seem to notice because he went right on. "I saw you die, fall from the train and I believed you died. I mourned you. And when I turned the plane in the water I didn't think twice, because you wouldn't be there to miss me and I could finally _stop_ missing you. But then I woke up and you were still dead and I had to go on. And then you come back and now you want nothing to do with me. You avoid me as much as you can, you're not talking to me, you're barely even spending time with me. And whenever I look for you you're with Tony."

"You're jealous of Tony," James stated and Steve gave a jerky nod.

James sighed heavily and walked over to the table to sit down in Bruce's chair. This seemed to be a lot more complicated than he had thought. Before James could sort out his thoughts though, Steve spoke again.

"It's just… you have these impromptu meetings with Clint now and you seem to like Natasha just fine. I don't know about Bruce and Thor but you seem to get along with all of them. But you're still avoiding me and I don't know what to do," Steve admitted and James sighed. It was true, since their unfortunate meeting in the hallway, he and Clint somehow managed to meet up at the shooting range more nights than not. It helped, to not shoot at things by himself.

"There's nothing you can do. I know you seem to think there's something to fix, but there really isn't."

"But if I could just make you remember…" Steve trailed off there, sad expression firmly in place.

James looked at Steve and stayed silent until he met his eyes. "I do remember, Steve. I remember everything. And I wish you would stop making me feel like I'm not enough, just because I can't be like the guy I was before."

Steve expression crumbled at those words and he let himself fall heavily down on the nearest chair.

"I thought you didn't remember," he whispered eventually and James really wished they could stop this conversation now.

"I know. And partly it was my fault, because I never told you any different, but I do. Some things are hazy but I think everything is back."

"And when where you going to tell me that?" Steve demanded to know and James sat up straight. If this was 'the talk' then he would damn well be honest.

"When I was sure you wouldn't kick me out when you realized I couldn't be Bucky again."

Steve seemed shocked by that and James really felt bad for hitting him with all these truths at once, but this talk had been long overdue. And besides, now it was too late to take it back.

"You thought I would what? Just throw you out and never look back?" Steve finally asked him and his voice told James just how badly that hurt.

"Kinda," James shrugged. "You always make me feel like there's something missing, like I'm not enough, and I was worried what you'd do when you realized that this is me now. I had trust issues."

"You had?" Steve asked and his voice sounded so damn small that James wanted to go over and hug him. But he wasn't sure if that was allowed right now.

"I'm starting to trust you guys. I trust Tony and Clint. And I know that I can trust you, that I should trust you, but it seems a bit difficult sometimes. You have so many expectations and I'm not sure I can meet them all."

Steve looked back at his hands now, and James didn't know how to feel about that. Steve never avoided his eyes, at least not with the old Bucky, and it hurt to realize that he could do it just fine now.

"I don't expect anything from you. I just wanted you back. I want you to be fine again. That is all."

"But I will probably never be fine again, Steve." Steve seemed a bit shocked by that but James went right on. "And you have me back. So it would be nice if you could act like that and not like you're still waiting on another guy."

"I didn't realize you felt that way," Steve said and James sighed again.

"I know. I never said anything. You couldn't have known. But I'm telling you know and it would be nice if you could try to remember that."

"I will, Buck, I will."

James flinched at the nickname again, but he didn't say anything. He had put Steve through enough as it was, and maybe he would get used to that name again, if he would only hear it enough.

They sat with each other in silence for a few seconds before Steve visibly straightened up and asked "You want a sandwich?"

James gratefully nodded, glad that Steve seemed determined to try and make this work, and he stood up to help him. They prepared the sandwiches in comfortable silence but then suddenly Steve asked "So, the thing with you and Tony…" he didn't finish the sentence but James' head whipped around to him.

"What thing," he lowly asked because he would throw this knife at him if Steve went back to the jealousy topic.

"You seem awfully close," was all Steve said but James saw him carefully eying the knife.

"He takes care of my arm. I can come down to the workshop when I want. It's a good place to spend time," James said and didn't take his eyes off Steve's face.

"I just haven't seen him flirt like that in quite some time, is all," Steve eventually shrugged but he kept his eyes fixed on the sandwich.

James thought back to the situation down in the workshop and he shook his head. "He doesn't flirt flirt with me. He has a thing for the arm. I happen to be attached to it." Steve raised his eyebrows at him and James hurried on. "Everything he says that could count as flirty has to do with the arm. So it means nothing. And besides, Natasha said he used to do it all the time."

"Exactly. Used to. He hasn't since Miss Potts left."

James hadn't known that Miss Potts and Tony had been an item and he tried very hard not to let it show. But thankfully Steve was still looking down at his sandwiches and so he didn't notice anything unusual on James face.

"It's just," Steve continued when James stayed silent, "you two have been close. And I wondered. But never mind," he hurried to rush out when James still didn't say anything.

He was a bit too shocked by the fact that Steve thought he and Tony were in a relationship to really react to anything he said right now. James realized that it might be odd that he spend all his time down in the workshop, and especially now that he knew that there were only a few chosen people with a code for the door, but he hadn't known that they were giving off the relationship vibe to the others.

James wasn't sure how he felt about that and so he opted to stay silent. Steve seemed to realize that he was uncomfortable with the topic because he didn't say anything else either. They finished their sandwiches in silence, right until an alarm started to go off.

Steve was instantly alert, looking at the ceiling and demanded "Jarvis, what's happening?"

"Captain Rogers, it appears that there is something like a portal in Central Park opening right now."

"Is something coming through?" Steve asked but he was already on his way out, to get his uniform, no doubt.

"There's no indication of any lifeform moving past the portal," Jarvis answered him.

"Let's hope it stays that way," Steve grimly said and then turned back around to James. He seized him up, one long look from his feet up to his head, and questioningly tilted his head.

"What?" James asked him, wondering what Steve was thinking, with the alarm still blaring and yet not moving.

"You said there's no danger of you going wild on us," Steve started thoughtfully. "If something starts coming through this portal we could probably use a sniper who can decimate them if needed, or just keeps a count on them."

"You'd take me out with you just like that. With no team building and training exercises."

"You'd be far away from the action. And I think I need to trust you more," Steve easily said with a shrug, not deterred by the alarm in the slightest.

James was caught off guard but he couldn't really argue with that. He wanted to go out, after all, he wanted to be able to help the team and this sounded like a relatively easy job.

"So, are you in or not?" Steve asked him, finally seeming a bit rushed.

"I'm in," James said.

Steve smiled brightly at him and then waved his hand. "Go get your rifle and suit up," he hesitated for a second and then added, "if you have anything to suit up with."

"I do actually," James answered him. Tony had presented him with a slightly altered version of his Hydra outfit shortly after he came to the tower, but so far James hadn't had an occasion to wear it. It looked like now was the time to finally put it on.

Steve had already left, no doubt to get suited up himself, and James rushed to do the same. He packed a few knifes, two guns and his rifle before he went to meet the team at the Quinjet.

He got some surprised looks by Clint and Thor, obviously no one had clued them in yet, a nod from Bruce, Natasha only smiled at him and Tony clasped his shoulder. "Good to have you on board, Robocop", he said and James nodded at him.

"If you're stealing my sharp shooting position, we're gonna have a problem, Barnes," Clint cheerfully told him and James could tell it for the joke it was.

"We'll see. If you can't keep up, I sure as hell won't drag you along," James said with a small smile.

Before Clint could come up with a response Steve ushered them all into the Quinjet so that they could finally leave for the portal.

When they arrived, the area had been cleared by the police, so they at least didn't have to worry about any civilian casualties.

The commanding officer caught them up to speed but so far there wasn't anything to tell. The portal had opened up and now it was just there. The Avengers took their positions none the less, not wanting to risk anything. Thor deposited Clint on a rooftop, while Tony flew James to another one and then it meant waiting.

There was no movement to be seen through the portal and nothing came through. After half an hour of keeping watch Tony and Bruce, still safely in the Quinjet with all their equipment, had managed to close the portal again without a hitch and so the whole ordeal was relatively unexciting for them.

Well, at least for everyone but James. He had started to freak out the moment he settled his rifle on the roof and from there it just went into a full blown panic attack. It was a really good thing that nothing came through the portal, because James wouldn't have been any help to them, not with the way his vision swam, his hands shook and how his harsh breaths wrecked his whole body.

When Steve found him, after some unsuccessful attempts to get his attention via the ear piece, James was pressed into a corner of the roof, rifle long abandoned, and hands clasped tightly over his mouth and nose.

"James," he tentatively asked, concern quite clear on his face, but he thankfully stayed a few feet away. James shook his head, unable to say anything and not only because he still had his hands over his mouth. He feared that if he removed them he would fall apart completely and so he brought them down even harder. His breaths sounded more like sobs now and Steve was clearly at a loss as to what to do.

James was only dimly aware of the sound that announced Iron Man landing on the rooftop but Steve was definitely aware of it because he turned around, no doubt to seek some help from Tony.

Tony must have stepped out of the suit because the next thing James knew was that Tony sat down next to him, not touching him but instead giving him enough space to flee if he should feel the need for that.

"James," Tony started and his voice was a lot calmer than Steve's had been. "James, it's alright, you're not with Hydra anymore. Do you know where you are? It's 2015 and you went with the Avengers to investigate some portal."

James nodded at that, he remembered that part. He didn't know what exactly had set him off, but it wasn't because he couldn't remember where or when he was. He couldn't really explain what the problem was, but he felt like he was all over the place, falling apart at the seams, and he desperately wished for his muzzle mask and the tight Hydra uniform to keep him together.

But he didn't have the uniform, Tony's new design was a bit looser fitting, and so he had to find a substitute, and fast, if he wanted a chance to calm down. So James carefully removed his metal hand from his face, cautiously and unsure if just one hand would be enough, but when it didn't prompt a new wave of panic he quickly wound the metal arm tightly around his middle in an attempt to keep himself together.

Tony watched him with interest and definitely noticed the way James relaxed a bit with the arm around his middle. "James, do you need something to keep you together?" he carefully asked and James desperately nodded.

Tony motioned for Steve to come closer again who immediately did as prompted. "What do you need?" he asked, aiming the question towards Tony though he was looking at James.

"You have to hold him. Tight," Tony told him and Steve looked at him in confusion. "I don't think I'm strong enough, so you have to do it. Come on, hurry up, he's not getting any better there," Tony impatiently said when Steve didn't immediately did as he was told. "Get behind him and hold him. Arms around his middle and over his chest."

Steve still didn't seem to understand but now he hurried to do what Tony asked. Tony scooted away from James, who frantically grabbed for him, even abandoning the pressure around his middle to do it. He wasn't sure if he could keep it together if Tony left. He had been a constant source of reassurance to him, not only now but also in the past, and sometimes just Tony's presence was enough to calm him down considerably. James wasn't sure he could stand it if Tony left right now.

But Tony made no move to leave; instead he took James' hand in his and held on tight. He moved James a bit, so that Steve could get behind him easier and when Steve was settled down, James resting on his chest now, he immediately wound his arms around him and held him tight. James could feel the tension leak out of him and he slumped back against Steve.

He didn't remove his hand from his face, not yet, but he already felt a lot more stable than he had a few seconds before. Tony was still holding his hand, running his thumb soothingly over his knuckles and muttering reassurances to him, while Steve's arms around him kept him together.

It only took a few minutes of this arrangement before James felt good enough to finally move his hand away from his face. He rested it lightly over Steve's arm, to signal him that he should keep his arms there for a bit longer. Steve complied without complain but Tony moved to get away from them.

James immediately clasped his hand harder to prevent him from leaving and Tony instantly stopped moving away. "I was just letting the team know that there's no need to worry," Tony told him, smiling slightly. "I wasn't about to leave you."

James took two more deep breaths and then relaxed his grip on Tony, signaling him that it would be okay if he left to do that, but Tony stayed a bit longer. Only when James' breathing was even more leveled did he walk over to his suit to talk to the team.

James didn't listen to him and instead focused on the way Steve's arms felt around him. He was holding him tight enough, so that James didn't feel like he was coming apart any longer, and he felt like he could maybe do without them now.

He lightly tapped Steve's arm to get his attention. "A bit lighter?" he asked, surprised at how rough his voice sounded.

Steve immediately loosened his grip on him and James still felt alright, which he counted as a win. "Still good?" Steve asked him and James nodded.

"You can let go…completely," James said, painfully aware that it sounded more like a question than anything else. But Steve was very considerate and only slowly removed his arms, giving James enough time to protest at any moment. He didn't, but he appreciated the sentiment.

When Steve had fully removed his arms, James was quick to get up, desperate to test if he would still be alright. To his immense relieve, that was the case and he nodded grateful at Steve. "Thank you," he said and Steve shrugged while he got up as well.

"Not a problem."

James was aware that Tony was standing a few feet away, still with his suit, and he was doing a terrible job at pretending that he wasn't listening to the two talking. James knew that Tony didn't really know if James and Steve had had their talk yet, for all he knew James could have pretended to go find Steve, and so this was possibly the friendliest situation Tony had seen them in in a long time.

James shot a quick frown over to Tony to show him that he was damn well aware of what he was doing and Tony quickly turned around and got in the suit. "I'll go and collect Legolas now," he said through his speakers and before Steve and James could react he was already gone.

Shaking his head slightly, James turned back around to Steve unsure if he should thank him again. Luckily he didn't have to find anything to say because Steve was already talking.

"What happened here? Did you get triggered?" he asked him and James contemplated that for a second.

He tried to assess the feelings he had right before the attack, but none of them were like his nightly panic attacks, he didn't have a flashback or was reminded of anything particular. Sure, he had assassinated a whole lot of people when he had been with Hydra, being in the same position as he had been now, but somehow he knew that that wasn't it.

So James only answer was a shrug because Steve was still waiting and he just didn't know what to say. But Steve was frowning for real now and James suddenly realized that this would be his one and only mission for the Avengers if he didn't give a satisfactory answer. So he tried a bit harder to understand his feelings.

"I felt like I was coming apart. Like I was stretched all over the place, not just behind the rifle. I don't know why it happened." He had an inkling of what had happened but he wasn't about to admit to Steve that he had missed his Hydra uniform.

Hydra had made a point of keeping it too tight, barely loose enough that he could fight, but never so that he could take a real deep breath or forget what he was wearing. The muzzle mask only added to that; it was there to remind him that he was nothing more than a dog for them, a dangerous one at that, one that needed a mouth guard, so he wouldn't bite the hand that fed him, even though he hadn't known it at the time.

When he had been the Winter Soldier it just seemed perfectly normal to wear his uniform and muzzle; he had never understood the deeper implications of that choice. Now he did and he was perfectly aware of how fucked up it was to wish back for that but he couldn't help it. Whenever he was wearing that, he knew that he had a mission, a purpose, and that feeling was missing now.

He had felt lost, behind his rifle, like he was floating, even though he knew that he had a mission, he had to keep his team mates safe if something came through the portal, but somehow it didn't held the same weight as his previous missions did. And since he really wasn't missing Hydra's rule over him, the only other possibility was his uniform.

James shied away from telling Steve that, though, not sure what that said about him and he didn't want Steve to judge him for something, even though he had no means of understanding what was going on in James.

He looked down at his uncovered hands, stupidly missing the gloves as well, and he only felt how Steve stepped closer. James thought he had reached an understanding with Steve in the kitchen earlier and he wasn't about to fuck that up by telling him he wanted his old uniform back.

"Please, you can tell me what's going on, Buck," Steve said and James barely repressed the flinch. It hurt, whenever Steve used his nickname, and he had established early on that he didn't want to be called by any variation of his old nickname, but it seemed like Steve was quick to forget that. James hadn't forgotten that he had also used that name in the kitchen and now he could feel anger flood through his veins.

Maybe he would fuck this up after all.

"What's going on is that I want my old uniform back," he snapped at Steve, just in time to prevent Steve from reaching out and touching his arm as it seemed.

Steve's face furrowed in confusion and he asked "Your Howling Commandos uniform? I think that's in the Smithsonian. We could probably get it for you…" he trailed off here, seemingly unsure if this was what James had meant.

Of course Steve would instantly think back to that uniform; it was something the old James, Bucky, had been proud of. Of course Steve would think he would want that back. Doesn't matter that he had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want anything to do with the person he was before the fall, that he couldn't be that anymore. Steve would only ever see the lost Bucky in him.

That revelation made it easy to say the next words right into his face. "Not that one. I don't care about that uniform. I want my Hydra uniform back."

James reveled in Steve's shocked face for a few seconds before he turned away to collect his rifle. He knew that he had just blown all his hopes of ever coming out with the team again, but he couldn't bring himself to care. That would come later and he knew it, but right now he bathed in the fact that he had hurt Steve.

It was a petty feeling, he was aware of that, but he couldn't help but think that this could maybe even the score, if only just a little bit. He turned back around to Steve once he had packed up his rifle but Steve was not looking at him, staring at the ground and even from a few feet away James could see that he was shaking.

He opened his mouth to say something to him, though he had no idea what could make this possibly better, and so in the end he did nothing. He shouldered the rifle and walked past Steve to finally get off this roof.

"What was that?" Tony asked him and James realized with a start that the whole team probably heard them through the comms.

"Nothing," James snapped at him and when Clint added "Sure as hell sounded like something," he took the earpiece out. He wanted to crush it, but couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't the earpiece who had offended him after all.

He slowly made his way down the staircase, trying very hard to breathe evenly and by the end of it he had mostly managed to calm down. That immediately went away when Natasha waited for him outside of the building, one eyebrow raised and looking speculatively at him.

"What," he barked but her eyebrow just went impossibly higher while she remained silent.

"What has our Captain done to offend you this way?" Thor asked him when he landed next to Natasha and James refused any eye contact. He just wanted to go home now. The panic attack and the fight with Steve had drained him off all his energy and he desperately wanted to sleep for a few hours.

So he didn't give an answer to Thor's question or Natasha's inquiring gaze and went straight past them to the Quinjet where Bruce and Clint were already waiting for them. Bruce tried very hard not to look at him when he entered the jet but Clint had no such reservations.

"Dude, that was mean and uncalled for. What's wrong with you?"

James was spared to find words that could possibly explain his thoughts and feelings on that when Tony landed and flipped his face plate up. "James?" he tentatively asked but James went to find a corner he could crawl into. Tony didn't come after him and while he was grateful that he was finally being left alone, he also realized that he just massively fucked up.

He tried to ban these thoughts for the moment, there would be time to regret his actions later, when he was alone and instead curled up in his own corner, waiting for the others to come back to the Quinjet so they could finally go back home.

"Tony, I think you should go get Steve," Bruce's calm voice suddenly rang through the silence and Tony huffed out a breath before the faceplate snapped down again and he took off.

James could feel Clint's judging glare on him the entire time they waited for the others and he was glad that he didn't have to face him right now; not with his face mashed into his arms to keep the others out.

The flight back to the tower was relatively unspectacular, apart from the fact that no one said a word. James was tempted to look around, to see how Steve was doing and if they were all just watching him, but he refrained from doing that.

When the jet landed everyone was quick to leave it, still not saying anything at all, and when James thought they all had left, he finally uncurled himself and stood up, only to be met with Tony's unimpressed glare.

"Uh," he said and tried to figure out if there was any chance that he would make it past Tony.

"Don't even think about it," Tony said, following his gaze and James slumped back into his corner.

"Really? Right now?" he asked and was aware that he sounded petulant but he couldn't help it. He just wanted today to be over.

"I can go. But then Natasha or Clint will get to you first, or maybe even Steve if he has composed himself enough, and I'm not sure you'd want that."

James sighed, because Tony knew very well that he didn't want that. At all. "Fine. What?"

"I could ask you the same."

"Are you asking the same or are you just saying you could?" James said, feeling especially difficult right now, but he was in a bad mood and felt entitled to that.

"I am asking you the same. Though I'm adding some words. So. What was that?"

Since Tony was still standing while James was sitting on the floor, it was really easy to avoid looking at him and instead he trained his eyes on the knees of the armour. Tony let him stew for a while, not saying anything else, waiting him out, and in the end it was James who broke first.

"I hate it when he uses that name."

"I think we all got that," Tony mildly said and James scoffed.

"All of you, really? Because I don't think Steve quite understood me."

"I think he did now," Tony told him but James shook his head.

"Let's just see how long it takes for him to slip up again," he muttered and Tony crouched down in front of him.

"It really bothers you, doesn't it," he asked with a light frown and settled down next to him, not giving James an easy way out this time.

"Yes, it does!" James exclaimed and Tony seemed slightly taken aback by the force of it. "I told him I didn't want to be called by that name and he just doesn't listen. That was the second time he slipped up today and I can't take it."

James expected Tony to tell him to take it easy on the guy; James wasn't the only one having a hard time with everything after all, but to James surprise Tony stayed silent.

"I just wanted to hurt him back," James muttered eventually and Tony hummed in understanding.

"Hence the comment about the Hydra uniform."

James hesitated slightly and Tony noticed of course. "You really want the uniform back?" he asked and seemed a bit concerned.

"Not for the reasons you think. I don't want to go back to Hydra or anything. That's not it. But that uniform… I don't feel safe without it. You heard what I said to Steve. I felt like I was all over the place, like I spilled out and covered the roof. That uniform…it kept me together. There was no place to leak out of, so to speak. It was tight, almost uncomfortably so, but that also kept me together. That's what I miss about it."

James looked down at his hands before he went on. "I know that I could have worded it better, or tried to explain it. But I was so angry at him and that was the easiest way to hurt him."

"And that you did. I haven't seen him so shaken since he realized you were still alive."

Great, now Tony was trying to make him feel bad about it; as if he didn't manage that all on his own.

"I can't apologize," James whispered. "I meant what I said. I probably would have worded it differently but I'm not apologizing for something that's true."

"And neither should you. But you could explain yourself to Steve, take the edge off your words."

"Is he going to apologize?" James couldn't help but ask and looked at Tony again.

He seemed uncomfortable with that question and shrugged. "If you ask him to, probably. Not so sure if he'd do it on his own. He can be stubborn. You know that better than anyone."

"Why are you not angry?" James suddenly asked him, needing to know why Tony was trying so hard to understand him.

"I get it. Sometimes we wish for things that seem irrational to others." James looked questioningly at him until Tony felt the need to elaborate. "Sometimes I wish for the silence in the worm hole. There was no sound, you know, nothing. I could see the other alien ships and the earth under me, but nothing made a sound and when Jarvis lost the connection to me, it was just me and my thoughts and even they seemed really far away and quiet." Tony laughed awkwardly. "That is, of course, right before I remember why it was so quiet and what's happening and then I have a panic attack again, but in the split second before that I long for the all-encompassing quiet. And it's not rational, nothing about it, but that's just the way it is."

James couldn't help but to stare at Tony after that confession. Unlike him, Tony met his gaze and eventually James had to look down again. "I didn't know that," he mumbled to his hands.

Tony didn't say anything to that, but it was quite clear that he didn't enjoy talking about it. James glanced up again, taking in his furrowed brow and clenched hands, and actually worried for a second that Tony would have a panic attack right here and now. He hoped that it wouldn't come to that because he had no idea how to help someone through an attack. He was barely able to survive his own.

But Tony only took a few deep breaths and then relaxed his hands. It seemed like he was a lot more practiced in warding off an attack than James himself was. Maybe that also explained why he seemed so good at handling James' attacks.

"Let's not talk about it anymore," Tony then said, voice rough from swallowed panic, and James readily agreed, even though it probably meant coming back to his own problems.

"What's wrong with this uniform then?" Tony asked him, bringing the conversation to their previous topic, and James looked down on it the best he could in this position. "Is it just not tight enough or is there something else that's bothering you about it? Because I can totally make something tighter for you." Tony seemed to think about something for a second and James braced for the inevitable, and kinda inappropriate in this situation, compliment, or possible even an innuende. "Would love to actually. The old uniform was kinda sexy on you. Especially with how it displayed the arm."

James suppressed a sigh, because there it was again. No matter when Tony flirted with him, it would always unavoidably come back to the arm. "I think it's just the fit that bothers me, and I appreciate your offer, but I think I'll stick to the old uniform."

Tony looked a bit disappointed at that but he covered it up quickly. "Okay. I'm sure we still have that somewhere."

James hadn't even thought about the fact that someone could have thrown it out but it would make sense if that had happened. Steve probably got rid of it right after he got James out of it for the first time. The thought brought a tiny spark of panic back but James told himself that if that was the case, Tony would just make him something new. It wouldn't be the same and he would be subjected to an afternoon of Tony flirting with him, but that wasn't really something new and so it would be fine.

"I'm gonna go look for that. Why don't you go and…" Tony started but James interrupted him.

"I'm not gonna go find Steve."

"That wasn't actually what I was gonna say. I paid attention when you mentioned you weren't about to apologize."

"Sorry," James sheepishly said but Tony didn't seem to mind.

"No problem. But I still think you should go and rest for a while. You seem pretty worn out."

That wasn't a bad idea at all and had been exactly what James had wanted to do right before Tony had cornered him. So he nodded enthusiastically now, glad to finally get away like he had wanted the second Steve had used his name on the rooftop.

James got up without another word and this time Tony let him go. James carefully made his way to his room, wary of meeting any of the other Avengers after what Tony had told him, but he made it to his room without running into anyone.

When he opened his door, he realized that he should have known better, especially with two spies in the tower, but he didn't have the brain capacity to really be surprised anymore.

Natasha was sitting on his bed, something dark draped over her lap and James didn't have to be a genius to know that it was his uniform.

"Do I even wanna know how you got that?" James asked her, deciding to not address the fact that she had invaded his space.

"I retrieved it after Steve threw it out," Natasha nonchalantly said.

So James had been right in assuming that Steve got right of it. Or had at least tried.

"Why?" James questioned but Natasha only shrugged.

"Just a hunch, really. I learned to roll with it, so I didn't think too hard about it. Gonna take it?" She offered the bundle to him and James quickly stepped forward to take it from her, before she thought better of it.

"Why are you giving this to me?"

She tilted her head slightly, but James could tell it for the act it was. Her next words only proved him right. "It's what you want, isn't it?"

Of course it was what he wanted and she damn well knew it. He decided not to play her game, too tired to think properly about the probably well-hidden meaning behind it, so he just nodded in agreement.

"Thank you," he said sincerely and she seemed to realize that she wouldn't be able to play James like she had thought because her whole demeanor changed suddenly.

"You know, you've been harsh to Steve," she said, voice hard, and James remembered with a start that she had been with him when they had fought the very first time; she had seen Steve's pain then and James didn't know how their relationship had been before but they were definitely friends now. Of course she would be pissed at him for hurting Steve.

"I know," James begrudgingly admitted and expected Natasha to demand an apology on his behalf. But she surprised him again when she said "And so has he. I didn't know he was still using your old nickname."

"He forgets sometimes. More often than not, actually."

She nodded thoughtfully and stood up. "I'll talk to him about that."

"Will you?" James asked confused and Natasha gave him a hard glare.

"It's difficult coming back after being unmade," she lowly said and James remembered that she had her own experience with that. "People need to be as supportive as they can be. Honouring one's wishes."

"You're gonna tell him that?" James couldn't help but ask and Natasha raised an eyebrow at him.

"Something wrong with that?"

"Just surprised, is all. Thought you'd take his side."

That actually made her frown. "James, there are no sides to take. If you don't want something than it's your prerogative to ask for that and demand that it happens. A 'no' is something to be taken serious."

James wondered how many times someone had disregarded her 'no' and how long it took her to learn what she just told him. He didn't ask her though, only nodded gratefully and with one last glance back she left his room.

James stared at the closed door for a while before he lowered his gaze to the uniform in his hands. He'd have to remember to tell Tony not to look for it in the morning but right now he wanted to do nothing more than to fall onto his bed and sleep. And after he placed the uniform on his dresser he did exactly that.


	4. Chapter 4

Things stayed tense after that. James never found out if Natasha did speak with Steve, since neither of them said anything to him; still, it was clear that Steve was either really angry with him or still really hurt, probably a mix of both, because he barely acknowledge James for a while. It got better after James had worn the old uniform to another mission, where he thankfully didn't panic again, but Steve never brought it up and so neither did James.

It was a strange sort of truce, where neither would say anything, too afraid they would upset the other again and James knew that it couldn't hold for much longer. It had been three months since he'd snapped at Steve on that rooftop and after that they hadn't talked to each other. Sure, they were friendly and polite, but that was it.

Steve didn't come looking for him when he vanished into the workshop and he also didn't ask how he was doing anymore. The others, namely Tony and Natasha, had made clear what they thought of this situation, but James didn't know how to approach it now. It had festered too long and while James knew that he only way they would resolve this was to talk, he was too afraid that it would end in another fight.

So he did nothing, and Steve did nothing, and Tony and Natasha glared at them. It started to affect the team as well, everyone felt the tension between them and while Bruce mostly avoided them now, Clint and Thor tried very hard to get them talking again. So far to no avail.

Other than that, things had been very good. James, Natasha and Clint had this friendship thing going on, where they would just meet up without much fuss and watch a movie, play games on the consoles, cook or spar, depending on their mood, and it was great. Thor would sometimes join them when he was in the tower and it really felt like the team had accepted him.

He continued to spend most of his time down in the workshop though, and while Tony occasionally tried to get him to talk to Steve, not much had changed there. Tony was still trying to make James a new arm, but so far James had denied him that wish. He allowed repairs and even little tweaks but he wasn't ready for anything big and while Tony seemed to get that, he also couldn't help but to pester him every now and then about it.

James mostly took it for the teasing it probably was, but it left a bitter taste nonetheless. Since he had talked with Steve all these months before, he couldn't help but actively notice all the times Tony was flirting with him. If James were anything near his old self, he would give just as good as Tony, but he wasn't, and so most of the comments fell flat. James couldn't help but notice that half the stuff Tony said was aimed towards the arm anyways, so it probably meant nothing at all, even if James wished it would be different.

With all the time he spent down in the workshop, it was impossible not to notice Tony. James had never thought anything would come of it, even if he would be able to flirt back, because he was surely not what Tony wanted. But to realize now that he was right, that Tony was only flirting with him because of the arm, was still like a punch to the gut.

He wished Steve had never mentioned it to him, because that had made it incredible hard not to actively notice it. Of course he had noticed the way Tony would sometimes look at him, but it was easy to brush it off, not think too deeply about it; but now that he knew the others had noticed as well, it was impossible to forget.

Still, he didn't stop coming down to the workshop and since he never mentioned it, Tony didn't behave any differently and James believed he could live with this just fine.

James had attended a few missions since that very first one and he never freaked out like the first time again. He usually functioned as a sniper, but from time to time he also went from his spot to engage in hand-to-hand combat. He was good at both, but he preferred the times he could stay out of the fray, keep an eye on all his teammates and help them by keeping threats from approaching them from behind.

There had been a little dispute with Clint about that, shortly after his third mission, but they had talked it out. Like the adults they were, they had engaged in some beat-'em-up games and continued to yell at each other, even long after their characters were dead. Clint had admitted that he felt useless when James took on his job, like he wouldn't be needed anymore, James had admitted that he needed to feel like he took care of the team, and that there was no way he could actually steal this position from Clint, and they went from there to a complicated solution.

They had tried to factor in James' bad days and then added Clint's bad days. They had special charts for the enemies they would most likely encounter and one for the arrows Clint had, to see if that would bring them an advantage. They had special charts for the weather and population in the area they were called to and whenever the alarm went off they came running with a folder and debated the whole flight. In the end they settled it with rock-paper-scissors.

The team was long past the point where they would acknowledge them and their little game but Clint and James never failed to do it. So far Clint one more often than not and James was getting a little tired of always losing to him. But he hadn't found a pattern to Clint's choices yet and so he had no means at tweaking his own decision.

The only time when they wouldn't try to settle their positions with this was when the portal made an appearance again. It had happened a few times during the last months but so far nothing came through it. The team had agreed that for this particular situation it would be better to have two sharp shooters instead of one and since James and Clint had gotten used to their mission bickering they often bickered about the perfect roof if the portal showed up again.

The portal showed up all over the city, not only in Central Park like the first time, which made evacuation a bit hard. So far they had been lucky since nothing came through it yet but they all agreed that it was only a matter of time before that happened. Whenever a call because of that portal came, they prepared for the worst and it grated on their nerves.

James was having one of his bad days when the alarm went off again. It was hard to remind himself, that he wasn't with Hydra, that this didn't mean mindless killing, and he barely managed it. When he entered the Quinjet, Tony threw him a worried glance that James mostly ignored. To no avail, because a second later Tony was already on his way over to him.

"How are you doing?" he asked and James sighed.

"I've been better," he admitted, careful to not talk so loud that the rest of the team heard it as well.

"The arm giving you trouble?" Tony inquired and now James sighed for a different reason. It always came back to the arm with Tony.

"No, the arm is fine. It's the head that's giving me trouble."

"Not much I can do to help there," Tony said and clasped his shoulder. James briefly wondered how Tony always managed to stand on his left side so that he could touch the arm, but he pushed that thought away. He needed to concentrate and that particular train of thought wouldn't help him in the slightest.

"You're well enough to go out with us?" Tony inquired further and James frowned.

"I wouldn't be here if I thought I would be a liability." The words came out harsher than he had thought and Tony raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, then," he said, removed his arm from James' shoulder and after one last glance he made his way back to Steve, no doubt to talk strategies.

They were called to Central Park again because the portal had showed up in the very same spot than all these months ago and everyone was worried about that. Bruce and Tony had repeatedly tried to analyse it but since James hadn't heard about any breakthroughs he guessed they hadn't been successful.

When they landed they could immediately tell that something was different this time because the portal was flickering and they could see movement on the other side, though it seemed like it was behind water.

"Clint, James, I want you on your sniper positions. James, be ready to engage in close combat, maybe we'll need you down here, depending on what comes through," Steve ordered and James and Clint nodded. Thor and Tony took them to their chosen rooftops where they settled down and waited.

James only realized belatedly that this rooftop was the same he had been on during his first mission and he momentarily worried that he would freak out like before. He never had, not since he wore his old uniform to these fights, and it was irrational to believe this rooftop would change that.

He took a few deliberately deep breaths before he settled his rifle and settled down behind it. He kept a close eye on the portal, worried by the constant movement on the other side, but even through his scope he couldn't make out any clear shapes. Everything was blurred and seemed soft somehow, but he knew that that probably wasn't right.

Steve, Natasha, Thor and Tony were in a loose circle around the portal, observing both sides and the area around it, and Bruce was on standby in the Quinjet. He was still running analyses on the portal, even though they all knew nothing would come of it. By now they also knew that Tony and Bruce hadn't been responsible for closing the gate the first time; it just vanished after exactly forty-five minutes and had done so every time since.

After thirty minutes the movement on the other side hadn't stopped and instead seemed to come closer to their side of the portal. They still couldn't make out any clear shapes but by now it grated on all of their nerves and their banter had long since died down. They were all too focused on the possible danger that lurked on the other side.

They approached the forty-five minute mark and Clint and Tony were already sniping at each other again but James had a bad feeling about this. He wasn't convinced that this would go over without a hitch and he told them as much. Steve silently agreed with him, he could see him nod at James' concerns, and Natasha and Thor seemed uneasy as well.

Clint had started to count down when they were only one minute away from the usual closing time and he made it as far as 'Four' before a hand came through the portal. Everyone was in their fighting positions in a second and even Clint stopped to count, but no one made a move towards the hand.

It stayed there for over a minute before it retracted but the tension didn't leave with it. Now they knew that something was on the other side and while that hand had seemed human, they couldn't know if that was true.

That little breech obviously upset the time frame for the portal because it made no move to close and vanish as it had before and James feared that this could prove to be a really long stake-out.

Before he could make his displeasure about that known the hand came back. Only this time did the body attached follow it through. A human stumbled through the portal and James immediately recognized the uniform the man was wearing. The man moved to throw something back through the portal, while simultaneously raising his weapons against Steve and even though James immediately killed him he couldn't prevent that.

While everyone turned around to him, Steve stayed where he was, gaze fixed on the now dead man, his shield still raised to stop the bullet. He seemed to have recognized the uniform as well. While Tony and Clint were yelling at him, and Natasha was obviously displeased in her silence, James kept a close look on the portal.

"He threw something back. Prepare for a fight," he told them, ignoring their objections, and then turned to Tony. "Can you get me down? Quickly?"

"What's happening, James?" he asked but was already on his way to get James.

"That's a Hydra uniform," James finally told them and it seemed to shake Steve awake. He crouched down next to the body and made a quick swipe.

"Hydra? I thought we got them all. Where would they get the technology for a portal? Besides, that looks nothing like the Hydra uniforms we have encountered so far," Clint said while Tony and James landed next to Steve.

"That's because it's a uniform from 1943," Steve said and his voice was tight with anger.

"They are from the past?" Clint asked them but James shook his head.

"Pretty sure our Hydra never had this technology or else we would have known. I can't imagine they didn't try to use that for their purpose."

Steve was still eerily quiet but after Tony threw him one quick glance, he took the command for this moment.

"Okay, I want you all to stay here, I'll go to the jet real quick to look at the readings with Bruce but don't let this portal out of your eyes. Clint, I want you to shoot everything that comes through." 

"But what if someone comes through who tries to get away from Hydra?" Bruce asked and while James could understand his worries, he really wished he hadn't asked. James was all in favour of killing everything that stepped through this portal.

Apparently that question jolted Steve out of his stupor because he turned around to look in Clint's direction. "Can you kill anything with that uniform and leave possibly other people unharmed?" he asked him and Clint scoffed. "Of course I can, and you know it."

Steve nodded once and then continued to give orders. "Tony, back in the Quinjet, I want this thing closed, Bruce you're on standby until I call a Code Green, Natasha and Thor, down here with me, we'll keep everything from this portal in a ten feet radius, don't let anything escape. James, I want you back on your rooftop."

"Not happening," James called over his shoulder while he sprinted over to Tony before he could take off. "Can you get my mask?" he asked him lowly, knowing that Steve would heavily disapprove. He had worn the muzzle mask on a few missions but figured out, that he could mostly do without it, especially if he worked as a sniper from the distance. But this was personal, and it would get messy, and he was sure he would need it.

"Sure. I'll instruct Bruce to set up a few parameters and then I'll be back."

James nodded gratefully at him and then Tony took off. They had parked the Quinjet a few miles away, in preparation of a fight that would not need the Hulk to come out and play. James wasn't so sure it would be that kind of fight.

It only took Tony a few minutes to fly to the jet, instruct Bruce and come back with the mask. He didn't bother to land, just let it fall into James waiting hands and he quickly clasped it on. He immediately felt calmer and more in control and he smiled a bit behind the mask. If there were more Hydra agents, they would wish they never came through that portal.

When James walked back to the portal, he was met with Steve's disapproving glare but he had been subjected to that for nearly all of his life and he wasn't that easily impressed by it anymore. Besides, the mask was helping him and he wouldn't debate that with Steve right now. He had worn it on missions before and everyone knew it had been a possibility that he would need it again.

"I will not stay out of the fray on this one. This is personal," he told Steve from behind the mask, his voice muffled but he was sure the others could still hear the barest hint of a snarl. He hadn't gotten the chance to kill that many Hydra agents from this time, the Avengers had taken care of most of them before he had been in the headspace to even think about revenge, and so he would make sure to enjoy every last kill he made today. Doing it from afar felt too impersonal, he needed to do it with his own hands and so he quickly checked his knifes. Guns wouldn't do it for him either, though he didn't discard them. He never knew when they would come in handy, but he fully intended to rely purely on his knifes here.

Steve looked like he wanted to argue with him about that decision but before he could form the words, the portal began to shimmer. Everyone got into position, and not a second too early, because a bunch of Hydra goons were pouring out of the portal.

James was already moving, not waiting for Steve's command to attack them, but before he could even reach the first goon, he already fell down, impaled with an arrow.

"If you keep doing this, I'll have to come up to kick you down," James snarled into his comm but Hawkeye only laughed.

"Sorry, won't happen again. Just had to do it once." While they were talking, Clint had killed five more agents and James was shaking with pent up anger. None of them had made it to him, two were intercepted by Thor and even Natasha and Steve were already engaged in combat, but before James could complain, the portal spit out more enemies.

James took the time to shoot one warning glance up to Clint before he threw himself into the fight. It was clear that these Hydra agents were not the same uncoordinated bunch he and Steve had fought during WWII. These were strong, almost unnaturally so, and had enhanced weapons, which fried Natasha's widow bites in seconds.

Thor could easily hold his own against them, thought the sheer amount of them was tiring. Natasha quickly found out that their armour did have some weak points, especially if she got close enough to them and so she didn't make use of her guns either. Steve and James could fight them relatively easily, it made no difference if the weapons were enhanced or not, they had no greater impact on them than normal ones would have, but the sheer physical strength of them were a bit worrying. Steve's shield flew through the air, sometimes too fast to see, and James wreaked havoc with his knives.

There were a lot of dead or incapacitated bodies already on the ground but more and more agents came walking through the portal and James realized that they would at least need Tony back with them, if not even the Hulk, if they kept coming like that.

Steve seemed to have reached the same conclusion because he ordered Tony back to them, but even with Iron Man it was tough. James quickly had to rely more and more on his metal arm, since it looked like the goons could take more and more and James kept a worried eye on Natasha. If he was already getting tired he didn't want to imagine how she must feel, though she never let it show. She was as quick as always.

Tony obviously had the same concerns because he kept close to her and that allowed James to completely focus back on his enemies. While it was exhausting, fighting one Hydra agent after the other, with no end in sight, it was also really satisfying. James finally got to execute his revenge and with every body that fell to the floor, he felt lighter.

He was so focused on killing the next agent in front of him, he put up a really good fight and James had to work hard for an opening, something in front of the portal changed.

"Guys, they are trying to bring something important through. There are five agents building a circle while the others try to distract you," Clint told them, but James couldn't turn around to look, if he wanted to win against his opponent. The others seemed to have the same problem, because Clint kept a running commentary for them.

"One of them went back through but I think they expect him back. Prepare for something big. They'll probably bring a tank or something. Who knows."

The arrows kept flying, even though Clint's attention was with the portal, and when an arrow distracted James' opponent long enough that James could slash his throat, he quickly breathed a 'Thanks' into the comms. Clint didn't answer him, too busy telling them what he saw.

"The guy is back and he brought someone else. Looks like a prisoner from the way they have him restrained. He seems hurt, but I can't see him clearly." There was a brief pause and then "Guys, they are trying to get him away. A party of five plus the captured just went off in Natasha's direction."

"Got them," Tony said and made his way over to them. James slowly fought his way into the same direction, but he was still at least twenty feet away when something thrown by one of the escaping agents hit Tony's armour and went off with a bright light and a comparably silent bang.

The effect was immediate though because Tony swore and then crashed down, only narrowly avoiding Natasha in the process. He staggered to his feet a few moments later but it was long enough, that James had picked up speed and slashed his way through every enemy that was in his way. When he finally reached Tony, he was already fully back on his feet, much to James' relieve, but he seemed unable to move as smoothly as he had before.

"They did something to the joints of the armour. I can't move like I want," he said and James could hear how frustrated he was. If the armour was down, that meant Tony was practically useless in this fight. James stood next to Tony but was pushed away. "I'm fine. Go after Natasha. She can't take five of them."

James knew that Tony had a point, but it didn't feel right leaving Tony on the battlefield unprotected. Tony seemed to realize his dilemma because he said urgently "Go. I summoned another suit. It'll be here in a few minutes."

James nodded when he heard that, though he wasn't fully convinced that Tony told the truth, and sprinted after Natasha and the Hydra agents. Natasha was still tailing the group, obviously aware that she wouldn't be able to take them all, carefully staying out of range, but when she saw James she readied herself for an attack.

"Anything on the prisoner?" James lowly asked her but she shook her head. They would have to gauge the situation as they went in. Natasha readied herself to attack the two guards on the left, while James would take out those on the right, which would hopefully only leave them with the one guy herding the prisoner away. James only got little glances at him, he was carefully guarded and well protected, but something about him seemed eerily familiar.

James tried to shake that feeling off, he needed to concentrate on the upcoming fight, and when Natasha gave the sign, they both rushed forwards. Natasha was a bit faster than him and she managed to take one of the guards by surprise, which was good for her, but it also meant that when James reached the two Hydra goons, they were already waiting for him, while the fifth ushered the prisoner faster along.

He stabbed the left guard with one of his knives, carefully aiming for the gaps between their armour plates, and managed to distract him for at least a few seconds. James used those to go hard after the other one, but it was only luck that he managed to stab him in the neck during that first exchange of punches.

He spun around to the remaining guy, grimacing when he noticed that he had removed the knife and didn't seem overly bothered by the wound it had inflicted. James scowled and got another knife out of his tight holster. He really hoped that not many more of them came through the portal; they all had a hard time fighting them as it was.

The guy lunged at James who barely managed to dodge the attack, and he lashed out with his knife in retaliation. It scrapped over the body armour without doing any damage, but James didn't have time to curse about that because his enemy was _fast_. A vicious fight developed and James had problems holding his own against him. It seemed like the guards were an extra evil breed of Hydra soldiers.

James got distracted for a second when Natasha flew past him and his opponent used that moment to fling a small disc in his direction. James raised his metal arm to deflect it, an instinct he immediately regretted, because it was the exact same thing they had hit Tony with. The light went off and his arm fell down on his side, useless for all intents and purposes. He could move his fingers but the reaction time was off and took way too long to respond. They had just rendered his arm useless and James wasn't sure if he would be able to take the agent with just his human arm.

He didn't get time to worry about that for too long though, because the goon charged at him again and James changed the grip on his remaining knife. This would be a bloody fight.

They traded punches, some of them so fast that James was only barely able to dodge them, but he managed to land a few hits, though it didn't seem to do much. His opponent didn't slow down and even when James managed to bring the handle of his knife down on his temple, he only briefly shook his head and then came at James as if nothing had happened.

James fought back viciously but in the end it was a slight slip that saved his life. The Hydra agent had him in a tight grip, damn those straps on his uniform, and James couldn't twist out of it. The goon was ready to bring down his own knife, when James tried to sidestep him, only to slip on the grass. He stumbled, momentarily throwing the other man off balance and he took advantage of that. James quickly spun the knife in his hand and then his arm shot upwards. The knife went into the underside of the man's chin and right through.

James was thrown to the ground when the dead weight of the agent hit him, but he managed to roll the body off him in a few seconds, though it was hard work. When James came back up he immediately looked for Natasha, only to find Steve and Thor with her and the prisoner. It looked like they already took care of the last agent and liberated the prisoner of his cuffs.

James approached them, bloody knife still in his hand, but when he heard a familiar voice, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Stevie, it's you! What happened to you? I thought you were back home!"

It was unmistakably his voice, but James couldn't make sense of that. Luckily he didn't have to try and figure it out on his own, because in the next moment the prisoner turned around to him. James noticed the injuries on the other man's face and his apparent exhaustion first before he really saw his face. He didn't understand what was happening, because it was his own face staring right at him, his own face bright with a lingering grin. The man tried to say something to him, but he only came as far as opening his mouth, before Steve whirled him around to envelop him into a no doubt bone crushing hug. James had been on the receiving end of that hug, so he knew that it hurt quite a bit, but the other guy returned it, equally as hard, from the looks of it.

"Bucky," Steve breathed into the man's neck and that was the moment James realized that this was really happening.

Natasha and Thor obviously couldn't help but grin at the very apparent joy Steve felt and even the other guy, Bucky, laughed out loud while he refused to let Steve go.

"I thought you were gone," James heard someone say and he thought it had been Bucky, but when he realized it was Steve who had uttered these words, it was like a punch to the gut.

James stumbled a step back, further away from then, and he gripped the bloody knife even tighter. Steve and Bucky paid him no attention, to wrapped up in their hug, but Natasha's head snapped to him and she suddenly looked pained. She made an aborted step in his direction but when Bucky spoke, her attention quickly went back to him and Steve.

"Stevie, what's happening here? When I left, you were still…small. How are you here? How are you looking like that?" Bucky asked him, voice muffled because his face was still pressed into Steve's neck, hands gripping tightly at his upper arms.

"What do you mean? I saw you die. You fell from the train," Steve answered, but his voice broke on the last words.

"Hate to break the mood here, but that is not your Bucky there, Cap," Tony suddenly said from behind James and James jolted. He hadn't even heard him approach, which was probably due to the fact that Tony wasn't in his armour any longer.

Clint was with him and while he was looking very grim, that at least meant the portal was closed and there wouldn't be any new Hydra agents. At least for now.

Tony had been looking at Steve and Bucky while he spoke but now his gaze fell back on James. He checked him over once, and when he found no obvious injuries he seemed visibly relieved.

"What do you mean that is not the Captain's friend?" Thor asked and sounded confused. "He looks exactly like the pictures the Captain showed us."

Tony shrugged and pointed at Clint. "Explain it."

Clint scowled at Tony but he obediently began to talk. "I hit one of them with one of my sleep arrows and the dosage was enough to knock him out for about fifteen minutes. He woke up a few minutes ago and he was very talkative. The short version is that they are from a different universe, and as far as I understood it, they were trying to transfer Bucky to another facility for safe keeping. They were trying to get him away from the front line, because they heard something about a Captain America destroying facilities, when the portal showed up and they thought why not use that as an escape plan."

"So, Cap, he's not your Bucky. There is a Steve out there who very much misses _his_ Bucky and I think we should send him back as soon as possible," Tony said and walked up to James to stand beside him.

Steve reluctantly let go of Bucky but he didn't stop touching him, still seeking the contact. James was watching the whole scene but it felt far away, like it happened to someone else and he was just a third person who had the misfortune to witness this whole train wreck.

Steve's eyes fell on him and his whole face closed up and James could see how he tightened his grip on Bucky's shoulder.

There was a faint noise and suddenly everyone was looking at him. He belatedly realized that he had dropped his knife and was taking deep breaths that sounded like sobs behind his mask. Maybe they were sobs. James was too numb to tell.

His fears had come true. He had always worried that Steve only wanted his old Bucky back and now he got _exactly_ that. James took another step back and Tony's hand came towards him, to steady him or to hold him back he didn't know, but he tried to swat his hand away. He knew that he wouldn't be able to stand the pity in the other's eyes, but his arm didn't behave and so Tony's hand came down on his arm.

"James? What's wrong with the arm?" Tony asked, concern obvious in his voice and at the name, Bucky finally turned around again.

He looked at Tony and James, but he didn't seem to recognize James. James realized that he was still wearing his mask, maybe that made it difficult, Steve hadn't recognized him with that either, but right now it only meant that he was so fundamentally different from the Bucky he had been during the war, that he didn't even recognize himself.

He walked backwards, away from Bucky and Steve, but Tony followed him. No one called after him, but even when he turned around he could feel their gazes on him. Tony had to run a bit to catch up with him and James didn't slow down to make it easier on him.

"James, stop. Are you hurt? What happened?" Tony asked again and this time when he reached for James, he tried to stop him. James knew that he could easily break out of Tony's grasp, even though the arm was not working properly, but he stopped, though he refused to look Tony in the eye.

"Did they hit you with one of the disks?" Tony inquired and James nodded once. "Okay. My suit is still down as well. Let's get back to the workshop, so I can figure out what happened. Your arm shouldn't be incapacitated. It's sad to look at, really," Tony said and James knew that he was trying for a joke, but it all hit too close to home right now. He didn't need the reminder that Tony was only this nice to him because of the arm. Everything hurt bad enough as it was, he could really do without the added pain that brought.

He jerked his arm away from Tony, who thankfully let him go this time, and started to move again, Tony hot on his heels. "How do we get back?" he asked and was glad that the mask covered the panicked note in his voice.

"Shield is here. We'll just take one of their cars. Jarvis sent another suit, he will carry the damaged one back to the tower. The others can take the jet."

James didn't answer him but walked up to one of the many Shield cars that were now all over the area. He stayed a bit behind when Tony went to talk to one of the agents and while he didn't seem happy to let Tony have his car, they were seated and on the road seconds later.


	5. Chapter 5

James had cradled his arm in his lap and slightly tilted away from Tony against the car door while they drove back to the tower. He refused to look at Tony, to avoid making him think that he would want to talk about anything, and so far he seemed successful with that.

Tony drove straight to the garage and when they entered the elevator, he didn't even had to tell Jarvis where they wanted to go. When they arrived in the workshop, James could see that Tony's suit was already there.

"Why don't you go to the couch? We'll check your arm over and then you'll be as good as new."

James had intended to let Tony look at the arm, he needed it after all and there was no one better qualified than Tony, but at those words he stopped dead. He couldn't move, neither could he go further into the shop nor could he leave, and it only took Tony a second to figure out that something wasn't right.

"James? Are you in pain? Is everything alright?"

James laughed at that, because how the hell could everything be alright? Tony seemed a bit spooked by his sudden outburst but he quickly got himself back under control and approached James again.

He raised his hands towards James head and James leaned back, unwilling to let Tony make contact, especially since he didn't know what he wanted to do.

"I'm just gonna take your mask, okay?" Tony said and his hands slowly came closer again, but James stepped out of his reach.

"What, can't look at me like that?" he bitterly asked and Tony's eyes grew wide.

"What are you talking about?" he confusedly asked, but James talked right over him.

"Want me to take off the uniform as well, so you can pretend I'm like him?" James snorted. "You won't like him that much, he doesn't have the arm, in case you forgot. He won't be that interesting to you."

Tony frowned at him when he stopped talking and James was aware that he was already breathing too fast again. He tried to get it under control, but it seemed like his words had opened a dam because it only got worse.

"Hey, okay, James. You're alright. Come here." Tony carefully took his hand and guided him to the couch where he pushed him down. "James. James, look at me," Tony demanded but James didn't react until Tony put his hand on the side of his face to guide his head around.

"You're gonna be alright. Just breathe with me, okay? Deep breaths, in and out. Think you can do that?"

James wanted to laugh, because nothing would ever be alright again, least of all him, but Tony's deep breaths were compelling and after a few minutes he found that he had matched them without thought.

"Good, see, it's not so hard. Now, do you want the mask on or off?" Tony questioned him and James murmured 'Off'. He wasn't sure how Tony understood him, but he obviously did because his hands came up to undo the clasps in the back of his neck. James closed his eyes when Tony lowered the mask; he didn't want to know what Tony saw.

Tony got rid of the mask somewhere because in the next moment one hand came up to his neck to pull him into an embrace while the other stroke soothingly up and down his back. "Wanna tell me what this was about?" Tony carefully asked and James tensed again. Tony immediately ran wider circles over his back and he started to card his fingers through James hair with his free hand.

There was a bit of silence before Tony said "I can't speak for the others, but him being here won't change a thing. Not for me."

James clutched at Tony's shirt, desperate for even that bit of comfort from him, but he couldn't help to say "That's because he doesn't have the arm yet." He was aware that his voice was full of venom, but he couldn't keep quiet.

"I don't know what you're talking about, James, but I can assure you, the arm is only secondary to me."

"Yeah, right," James bitterly said and finally pushed Tony away. He seemed reluctant to let go, but in the end he couldn't do anything against James' strength.

"What is going on?" Tony asked him when James didn't say anything else.

James took a deep breath before he said "You only put up with me because of the arm."

Tony was stunned, too stunned to even say anything, and James rushed on. "I mean, I get it, it's interesting to you. But I'm only here because of the arm, it's not like you really care, and Steve, Steve won't care either, not anymore, not with _him_ here. He only wanted Bucky back and he got that now, so there won't be a place for me anymore. And you, you only care about the arm, but you don't care about me, and why would you when there's a whole version of me out there, someone who isn't as messed up as me. But where do I go now? I don't have anywhere else to go," James desperately said and belatedly realized that he was crying.

He dropped his head, too afraid to look at Tony and see all his worst fears confirmed. He didn't know what he would do now, he only knew the tower. It was his home and he would miss it terribly just as well as the others. But they wouldn't be interested in putting up with him any longer, not when there was a whole version of him, one who hadn't seen all the horrors he had and wasn't known as a killing machine, one who could still laugh freely.

James buried his face into his hand, trying to curl up into himself, to be smaller and maybe keep himself together instead of falling apart right now, but he knew that it was a lost cause.

He startled badly when two hands came up around him and pulled him into Tony's chest once more. James knew that he should probably try to fight it, to get away from Tony and not let this become any worse, but he couldn't find the strength to move and Tony had quite the grip on him.

"You are not going anywhere, James," Tony decidedly said and James opted to take it for this moment. He knew that he eventually would have to leave, there was no way Steve would want him around with that other Bucky here, but for now, just for this moment, he could let himself believe.

He sagged into Tony's hold, who only squeezed him a bit tighter, and James had to fight new tears. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Tony released his tight grip on him and slightly pushed him away. He looked quizzically at him and then raised a hand to brush his thumb under James' eye.

James knew that he had just shown weakness and while he was aware that it was okay, that they all had their moments, he felt the need to rectify it and so he sat up a bit straighter and took a deep breath.

"It's okay," he said, though he didn't feel like anything would be okay ever again. "You can repair the arm, if you still want, and then I'll be gone. There's no need to worry."

He still carefully avoided Tony's eyes and kept his gaze trained on the ground, but he could still make out the frown on Tony's face.

"There's plenty need to worry. James, what are you thinking? That I only allow you down here because I want to work on the arm? That I only flirt with you because of the arm?" Tony asked him and he sounded indignant.

James barely shrugged with his shoulder, he didn't really trust his voice, but it was enough to make Tony swear.

"You really think I did everything because I want to work on the arm," Tony stated and James took another deep breath, but otherwise he stayed silent. He felt like he had already said too much and hoped to get some kind of balance back if he was quiet now.

"James Buchanan Barnes, you are one big idiot," Tony exclaimed and James only slightly flinched at the use of his whole name.

Before Tony could go on, Jarvis interrupted them. "Sir, Mister Banner inquires about your and Mister Barnes' well-being."

"Tell him we're fine, but we won't be up anytime soon," Tony said to Jarvis, but James could tell that he didn't take his eyes off him.

James shrunk a bit under the knowledge that Steve had no doubt brought Bucky into the tower and that he was somewhere here, probably already shown around and asked where he wanted to sleep. Probably even offered his very own room.

"You can go up," James told him, suddenly realizing that Tony must be really curious about the whole portal thing, now that people actually came through it. And as far as he could remember, someone talked about a different universe. There was no way he was more interesting to Tony than that. "I'll just," he waved his hand towards the entrance, indicating that he could very well leave now. He would find someone else for the arm, even if he didn't want to.

"I can stay down here, thank you very much. And you won't just vanish, that is not happening," Tony very decisively said. "There's no way I leave before we talked."

"I think I said enough," James mumbled towards his knees. "I don't plan on saying more."

"That's fine with me, I can do the talking," Tony told him and James wished he could disappear. He didn't want to hear what Tony had to say to his little breakdown.

"I'd prefer it, if you didn't," James told him but Tony shook his head.

"Not talking probably brought us into this situation, so we _will_ talk now. Or, I'll talk and you'll listen."

James was still not looking up, but he heard Dummy and You approach. They came gradually closer, keeping a bit of a distance to the couch and James, but they were beeping away and they sounded worried. James slowly raised his hand, not sure if they would want to take it, since it wasn't his metal hand, but Dummy carefully grabbed it and curled his claw around it. When You saw that Dummy wasn't being chased away, he came closer as well and rested his claw on James' shoulder. The beeping had changed now, they sounded more reassuring than worried. James couldn't help the new wave of pain, because even if those two would miss him, it would also only be because the arm would be gone with him.

His breathing changed again and Tony picked up on it. "Okay, I don't know what you're thinking that you're about to have a new panic attack, but you need to tell me."

"They will only miss the arm as well," James managed to say before his throat closed up again.

Tony moved closer to him, until his side was pressed into James' and then he took his hand. James wasn't sure if he wanted to return the hold or if he wanted to take his hand away, but it didn't matter either way, because his arm was not obeying.

"They will miss you, because of _you,_ " Tony said and his voice didn't leave any room for argument. "How many people come in here and act like you did with them, huh? How many people talk to them, or say goodbye to them instead of just leaving?" He paused there, obviously waiting for an answer but James couldn't speak and so eventually Tony went on. "Very few, is the answer. Rhodey and Pepper do it, they've known them long enough to realized that they are not only some dumb robots. But other than that? Natasha is warming up to them, I think, but that's it."

Tony stopped there again, giving James time to think that over but he had a hard time comprehending that. The bots seemed so expressive and each of them had their own personality. It seemed unfair that people wouldn't see that.

"They will miss you, because you come down here and greet them like you missed them. They will miss you, because you indulge them with their touching. They will miss you, because you trust them enough to fall asleep when they are around. They will miss you, because you joke around with them and don't always threaten to give them away to some college," Tony said finally and James turned his hand around to hold on to Dummy's claw. "The arm has nothing to do with that anymore. They were curious about it in the beginning but that long since wore off."

James had to swallow a few times but eventually he managed to say "It didn't with you."

"What? The curiosity? No, because that arm is fascinating and I want to learn everything there is about it."

That was exactly what James had thought and so he nodded dejectedly. "That's what I thought," he murmured and tried to get up, tried to get away from Tony. But Tony would have none of it and pulled him back down on the couch.

"Is that really what you think? That I will lose interest in you as soon as I got my hands on that arm and learned everything about it? Is that why you've been holding back and not allowing me to check it over?" Tony asked him and James thought that over. That hadn't been the only reason he hadn't let Tony work on the arm, there was still the lingering memory of Hydra hurting him while they worked on it, but it certainly played a role in his hesitation.

He didn't say it, but it seemed like his silence had been telling enough because Tony tightened his grip on his hand. "I am _not_ interested in you because of the arm," Tony said vehemently and while James knew that it was meant to be reassuring to him, his brain immediately pointed out that Tony would like the Bucky upstairs even better then.

James was hurt enough that he actually said that out loud and Tony's hand grabbed him a bit tighter, though he didn't say anything. James moved to get up again and when Tony tried to hold him back, he broke his hold. He was careful not to hurt him or the bots when he untangled himself from them but he used enough force to make it clear that Tony wouldn't be able to hold him back anymore.

He started to move away from Tony, towards the door, but Tony followed him. "James, wait. Don't leave now. I think we should talk about this."

"Good for you," James said and forced as much sarcasm into his voice as he could. "But I think we said enough. Maybe you should go look after the other Bucky now."

"Why would I do that?" Tony asked him, still trailing behind him.

"You do love a good project, don't you. I think my use on that department has expired so why don't you go and find yourself something new to fix?" James tried very hard to make his voice as hard as he could, not willing to show yet again how hurt he truly was.

Tony stopped dead at those words and James couldn't help but quickly look back at him. He was surprised by the amount of hurt he could see in Tony's face but he told himself that it meant nothing. Or at least it wouldn't mean anything, once Tony got to know Bucky. That would make up for every pain James ever caused him.

He quickly exited the workshop, glad that Tony didn't try to follow him anymore. James was too restless to wait for the elevator and so he quickly made his way up the stairs. When he reached the level where the common floor was, he could hear Jarvis tell someone that he was in the staircase and before he could run up another level, the door opened and Steve was there.

James froze, like a deer in headlights, but Steve didn't seem to notice anything unusual because he was smiling brightly at him.

"James, I finally found you. Come to the kitchen? Bucky is eating, but he wanted to talk to you, after I explained a bit to him."

"That's great, really, but I don't think I'm up for that," James weakly said and Steve frowned.

"But Buck, if you'd talk to him…" Steve started but James interrupted him, unable to keep the bitterness further out of his voice.

"I'd what? Absorb his traits? See what I lost? Become more like him? I think I can do without that, thanks."

He moved to further climb the stairs but Steve's hand shot out to grab him. James moved out of his reach but he waited for what Steve had to say. "Sooner or later you _will_ have to talk to him. He's not leaving."

"Of course he's not," James murmured bitterly but then he raised his voice. "Don't worry. There will be no problem. I…won't let it come to that."

Steve seemed reasonably confused by that but also hopeful because of course he misinterpreted James' words and thought that he would eventually cave and talk to Bucky. James had no intention of doing so, but he would need a bit more time to figure out where he would go when he left here, and the longer Steve left him alone, the better.

"Great. Where's Tony? I think he'd want to talk to Bucky as well."

"He's still in the workshop. Should be up any minute," James rushed out and then quickly ran up the stairs, not paying attention if Steve called after him.

He reached his room and burst into it, quickly locking the door and told Jarvis "Jarvis, keep this door locked. I don't want anyone to come in. And disable observation in here." Tony had told him very early on that Jarvis monitored everything in the tower, but that he could tell Jarvis what amount of surveillance he would be comfortable with, and if needed he could also turn it off completely. James hadn't made use of that very often, but now seemed like a good time. He didn't want anyone to come in and try to tell him how awesome Bucky was and ask him why he had never been so much fun.

"Very well, sir," Jarvis replied, but he sounded slightly disapproving.

"And I don't want you to keep taps on my search. It's private."

"Understood, sir."

James was in the middle of figuring out how he would get his money without leaving a trace when someone knocked on his door. "James," Natasha called out for him. "Open the door."

"Go away, Natasha."

"Only when you come out," she replied and he cursed. He quickly went through his options, but if Natasha said she wouldn't leave then she really wouldn't. She was stubborn like that.

"Fine, hold on," he yelled at her and carefully closed all the windows. He shoved his duffle bag, half filled with clothes already, under the bed and then went to unlock the door. "What," he snapped at her, but avoided eye contact, like he had done so often today before.

"Are you alright?" she asked, and he didn't need to look to know that there was a slight frown on her face.

"I'm fine. What do you want?" he asked her, willing this conversation along, so that he could finally leave, preferably without running into Bucky first.

"I just thought someone should keep you company, you know, with him being here," she said and tried to slip past him into his room, but he blocked the door.

"I don't need supervision. I won't go berserk or something."

"No, but you might have a difficult time dealing with this and I thought if you don't want to talk, we could watch something, or go spar."

"Thanks, but I'm good," he forced out and shut the door in her face. He didn't need her pity.

He didn't hear her leave, but she also didn't knock again, so James counted it as a win. He quickly resumed his search, but soon he realized that there was no way he would get his money without alerting someone. Maybe if he did it right after he left and took as much as he could get. The others would need some time to figure out that he left, especially if he asked Jarvis to tell them to leave him alone and he could use that, admittedly short, window.

With that figured out, he went on to safe locations, but after a bit of research realized that it would be pointless. He would just leave and go wherever his feet took him. That way no one could predict his steps and attempt to follow him.

He was shoving the rest of his clothes into the bag, packing proved a bit difficult with just one functioning hand, when something behind him clattered, followed by feet hitting the ground. James whipped his gun out, levelling it at the intruder's head, only to lower it again when he realized it was Clint.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Clint asked him and gave a pointed look at his bag.

"That's none of your business," James said and put his gun back into his bag. He threw the last two shirts into it as well and then zipped it up.

"Are you really leaving?" Clint went on, clearly ignoring the fact that James didn't want to talk.

"What choice do I have?" James lowly asked him, hating how dejected he sounded.

"Eh, you could stay? That would be a good choice."

James snorted. "Yeah, right, like Steve would want me around, now that he has his Bucky back." He shouldered his bag and turned around to Clint. "Believe me, it will be for the best. You'll like him better than me. Just give it some time."

"I don't want to like him better than you," Clint vehemently said and grabbed his shoulder. "You're not making any sense. No one will like him better than you. This is not a competition."

"Steve already does. He'll convince you," James said bitterly and pushed past Clint.

"I will not let you leave. I'll tell the others. They won't let you, either."

"Good luck with that. I think you'll find that they will."

"James, don't do this. You live here. This is your home."

"It was only my home until you got fed up with me, I knew that. And now that he is here…it's better this way. Steve will try his best to be friendly, but he only ever wanted Bucky back and now he doesn't have to try with me. I don't want to impose. You'll like him…I was fun before…everything."

"You're fun now!" Clint exclaimed and positioned himself before the door. "I don't care who he is or how much fun he'll be. He isn't you, and I like you just fine."

"Well, he won't nearly kill you in your own home, so there's that," James said, while he tried to shove Clint out of the way but he wouldn't budge.

"This again? When will you ever let this go, man? I told you it wasn't a big thing."

"It was for me, Clint," James admitted and that finally shut him up, though he still wouldn't budge. James would be impressed by his steadfastness, if it didn't mean that he would have to use actual force to get him to move.

James suddenly remembered that there wouldn't be a chance of getting his money now, not with Clint knowing what he wanted to do. He quickly debated if it would be acceptable to knock Clint out, and while it would no doubt leave a bad taste in his mouth, he decided that it was his only way. He would have preferred to do it with his metal hand, he knew exactly what amount of force he would need, but since that was still out of commission he would have to use his right hand.

He was about to draw his fist back when Jarvis suddenly spoke up. "Sirs, I believe you should see this."

Without waiting for permission, he brought up a video feet of the common floor, where the whole team sans Natasha had gathered. Bucky was sitting at the counter, in the middle of eating, but obviously abandoned that in favour of watching Steve and Tony. There were in the middle of an argument like it seemed and the audio needed a second to reach James.

"…send him back," Tony was in the middle of saying and Steve vigorously shook his head.

"We won't. I won't send him back into war!"

James had known that Steve would never let Bucky go again, but to hear it now still hurt. He gave Clint a pointed look but he wasn't paying attention to him, gaze fixed on the scene.

"You can't do that. He has to go back. We have no idea what it will do to this universe if he stays, if there are two versions of him here, let alone what will happen in his world. We can't risk it."

"I don't care what happens. He will not go back there."

"I think Tony is right on this one," Bruce interjected and even Thor nodded gravely.

"He has to go back to his world. This world can't take two versions of him. This is meddling beyond any reasonable risk. It could endanger both worlds," Thor explained but Steve vigorously shook his head.

"I will not send him back there! We don't even know if the portal will show up again," Steve tried now.

"Bruce and I will be on that. We'll try to open it manually. Jarvis has gathered some data and we think we can make it. Thor offered his help," Tony explained and Steve looked betrayed from one of them to the next.

"We will not do this!" he yelled again and this time everyone stayed quiet. Expect Bucky.

He had lowered his sandwich and was looking at Steve intently. "Stevie," he said, "of course I have to go back."

Tony turned around to point at him, a 'listen to him' expression on his face.

"You can't go back," Steve told him and he sounded pained.

"You keep saying that but you didn't actually explain to me why. And my Steve is still over there. He'll worry. There's no way I'll leave him alone. You should know that."

"Exactly," Tony chimed in, obviously latching on to that point. And it was a good move; probably the only thing that could convince Steve to let Bucky go. "What if that world's Steve hears about the missing 107th, only to go after them and then not finding Bucky? What would that do to him?"

"Nothing I didn't live through," Steve mumbled and Bucky perked up.

"Steve, what exactly happened? I mean, you told me a bit, but I keep thinking that a huge part is missing. What are you not telling me?"

Steve was about to answer him when Natasha came into the room. "He's leaving," she told them and Steve's shoulders hunched.

"Yes, we've been talking about that, but Steve won't cooperate," Tony explained and levelled a hard stare at Steve.

"No, not him, James. James is leaving. He is packing his things, and I don't know how long Clint can distract him without getting punched in the face."

James turned over to Clint, feeling betrayed that he would conspire against him like that, but Clint only gave him a sheepish smile. "It's not like you would listen to us," he chided but when Tony spoke again James turned back to the screen.

"Damn, I didn't think he would really just go," he said and everyone turned to him. "What? He kept saying that he didn't have anywhere else to go and I just thought that maybe then him leaving wouldn't be an issue."

"Why wouldn't you tell him to stay in the first place?" Natasha demanded to know and Tony shrugged.

"It wasn't that obvious that he wanted to leave, he only made some hints, and there was other stuff I was concerned with. Like him thinking we wouldn't like him now that that Bucky is here," he nearly yelled and pointed at Bucky who was still only looking at Steve.

"Steve?" he cautiously asked and everyone else fell silent. "You've been awfully quiet. What is going on? Why are you not on your way to tell him to stay?"

Steve wrung his hands in front of his body and James felt like the floor was pulled out from under his feet all over again. "He can't even pretend to want me here," he hissed, finally pushed Clint aside and yanked open the door only to have it shut a second later. Clint had flung himself against it, trying very hard to keep James from leaving.

"You will not leave! I don't believe he doesn't want you here, but even if that is the case, there are other people here who want you to stay!"

James begrudgingly let go of the doorknob and turned back around to the screen. No one had said anything since they had turned away from it and James had the suspicion that Jarvis had paused the transmission.

"Stevie, what is wrong? Did something happen to him?" Bucky eventually asked and Steve's face did that complicated twisting thing, where he wanted to agree to something but tried very hard to deny it at the same time.

"What happened? And don't you dare tell me any lies!" Bucky demanded and all the fight left Steve's body. He sagged and propped himself up on the chair that was in front of him.

"I happened," he desperately said and kept his head down, not looking at Bucky.

"I don't understand," Bucky admitted but he seemed to be the only one because understanding was quite clear on Natasha and Tony's faces.

"You think it's your fault," Natasha began and Steve let out a bitter laugh at that.

"Of course it's my fault!" he yelled at them and then tried very hard to calm himself down. "Bucky was being honourably discharged as a prisoner of war. He was so relieved when he got that letter," Steve haltingly told them, still looking down at his hands.

"He had seen enough of war, had been through enough and I knew it. Still, when I got my orders, I couldn't help but ask him if he would accompany me. I should have known better. He would never have said no."

James remembered that evening clearly. It was true, he had been relieved when he got that letter, but he also immediately knew that he would never leave Steve alone in this horror. There was no way he was going home when Steve was going into war. So of course he had said yes when Steve had asked him in that bar.

"Of course I wouldn't," Bucky said now. "I would never leave you alone in a place like that."

Steve nodded crestfallen. "I know. And I knew it then. I didn't want to go without you. I knew there was no way you'd say no. I exploited that."

That was so far from the truth that James couldn't help but let out a little laugh at that.

Bucky seemed to know it too because he said "I would have followed you even if you hadn't asked. I can't imagine that the me in this dimension is so different that he would have let you go."

Before any of them could say anything else James was out of the door. This time Clint hadn't been fast enough to stop him but that didn't matter because James had no intention of leaving now. Instead he nearly sprinted to the common floor, dimly aware that Clint was following him. He slowed down before he reached it, hoping that he hadn't missed too much of the conversation, but they were still stuck on that same topic.

He walked into the kitchen area and tried to supress his nerves when all eyes fell on him. He thought he knew what Steve's problem with him was now and he wasn't about to just let it go.

"Bucky," Steve breathed when he saw him and this time James didn't flinch. He walked up towards Steve and only when Steve looked him in the eye did he say "It was not your fault."

Steve's voice was full of agony when he finally said "Of course it was."

James was aware that the others were still looking at them, Bucky especially had his eyes fixed on him, but since none of them said anything, he ignored them.

"It was not your fault. I followed you out of my own free will. You didn't force me to go."

"Maybe, but I could have tried harder to reach you. I should have known they did something to you and I should have come back to look for your body."

"Steve, you did everything you could. It wasn't your fault that I was out of reach. And how the hell would you even have found me? You didn't know about the serum and I would never want you to waste your time on something as pointless as looking for my body. It was the middle of winter and I was falling out of a train. I should have never survived and you would never have found me."

"But I should have tried. I should have tried! You jumped after me," Steve mumbled and James blanched.

"Into water, Steve. You fell into water. Not onto cold, hard rocks. I fell so long I don't even remember reaching the bottom of the ravine." Steve stayed quiet at that and so James asked the question he dreaded the most. "Are you insinuating that you wished you'd jumped after me? Do you really think you dying with me there would have been better?"

Steve's head snapped up and the agony was all over his face. "But you didn't die! You didn't, Buck, and kept thinking…even before I knew you survived, I thought it would be so much easier if I'd just…"

"You're kidding me, right? Tell me you did not think that!" James demanded but Steve stayed silent too long for his liking. What Steve eventually said didn't make it any better.

"I put down the plane a week later, Buck."

James felt a bit unsteady on his feet and he was glad that Tony was right there by his side, because he blindly grabbed for him. Tony's arm was steady under his and it gave him the support he needed.

"You told us there wasn't a way to bring down the plane safely," Natasha calmly interjected but Steve just shrugged.

"Maybe there was. Maybe I could have jumped off before it hit the water. I don't know. I didn't really spend time looking for another way."

"Stevie," James whispered and reached out for Steve, whose hand came up easily and clutched at James' hand just as hard as he did.

"I know you think that I don't like you as you are now, but I can't help but to think that it's my fault. I tried to fix it, I did, and I know now that that won't happen but that doesn't help with my guilt, you know. And I am so sorry, I know I should have been there for you, helped you more, but whenever something happened I only could think 'I did that. I did that to him' and it made everything so damn hard."

"Steve, you did nothing to me. You helped me find back to myself. I wouldn't have known what to do if you hadn't been there this whole time. There's nothing to feel guilty for. I never blamed you."

Steve let out a shaky breath and tried to smile at James, though it fell flat due to the obvious pain Steve was in. "I blamed me. I still do."

James wanted to repeat that there was nothing to feel guilty for, it hadn't been Steve's fault damn it, but he knew that saying it again wouldn't help Steve. So instead he said "I forgive you, Steve," even if he didn't think there was anything to forgive.

He had hoped that it would be the right thing to say, but he wasn't prepared for the sheer amount of relieve that washed over Steve's face. He took a deep breath before he got up and then he pulled James towards him to embrace him into a hug. James clung to him and Steve returned the gesture.

"I'm so sorry," Steve mumbled into his neck and James stroke his back.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," he answered and squeezed Steve a bit tighter.

After a while they released each other and James became aware that everyone, including himself, had observed this scene. He looked around and dared anyone to say something but no one opened his mouth. Except for Clint.

"Does that mean you're not leaving?" he asked and Natasha swatted his head. "Ouch, man, Natasha, you are so mean. What was that for?"

"That was for you being an idiot," she replied but there was a smile playing around her mouth.

A second later James was also hit on the back of his head and he turned around, scandalized. "What the heck was that for?" he asked Tony who considered him for a moment before he said "That was for you being an idiot. What the hell were you thinking leaving like that?"

"I don't know. I just thought I had to get away," James explained but Tony didn't look satisfied.

"I told you it wouldn't change anything. No one here wants you to leave."

"I know that now," James sheepishly said and rubbed the back of his head but he gave a small smile to Tony, who promptly returned it.

"I have no idea what happens to me in my world, but if it leads to me stepping out with him, I'm alright with that. Plus the arm looks cool."

James jerked away from Tony like he had been burned and turned around to Bucky. "I'm not…we're not…stepping out!"

Bucky raised an eyebrow while he looked at them but something in their faces must have told him to back off because he said "If you say so. Still. The arm's kinda cool."

"No, it's not," James grumbled and sat down opposite of Bucky. "Listen, if you're gonna go back to your world there are a few things you should know. So take notes."

From the corner of his eyes, he could see, that Bruce and Thor wanted to protest, probably going on about altering the timeline or something like that, but Tony chimed in before they could start.

"Let them at least do that. Maybe we'll even create a better world with that."

Bruce sighed and Thor fondly shook his head but they stayed silent.

James turned back around to Bucky and repeated "So, here's what you have to do."

Bucky didn't wait for him but started on his own. "Avoid trains, check. Follow Steve into the jaws of death, check." James startled a bit at the use of those words because those were the exact same Steve had used all those years ago. Bucky didn't seem to have noticed, though, because he went right on. "Do not let Steve put a plane into water, check. Reach the future to meet him," he said and pointed at Tony. "Something else I'm missing?"

While James pointedly ignored the little quip about Tony, Bruce behind him groaned. "We most likely altered his worlds' future. I can't imagine that will be good."

"If he doesn't fall and become the Winter Soldier, then that is alright with me," Steve interjected and James nodded. "Seconded. I would like to spare him, or myself, that."

"So what exactly happened anyway?" Bucky asked him, eagerly looking between James and Steve. "I mean, we made it to the future. That seems great."

"It would be, if the circumstances were different," Steve told him and the team settled down around the table. Tony hesitated for a second before he too grabbed a chair to sit down next to James. When everyone was settled Steve started to talk.

It was a few hours later when they were finally done with the story. James interjected whenever Steve missed something, or deliberately left out how stupid and reckless he had been, and Steve tightly gripped James hand when it was his turn to tell his story, and Bucky listened attentively.

He seemed a bit white around the nose when Steve and James were done, but he didn't hesitate to tell them what happened to him in return. It was a lot like James' own imprisonment with Hydra, except that the Red Skull and Zola of this world had managed to make the serum work, if only for a short time. Bucky explained that all the soldiers that they had battled were injected with that bastardized version of the serum, but as far as he could tell, no one survived it for longer than a few days. So far he had been the only exception.

After he was through with his story, he admitted to be dead on his feet and quickly went off to bed. Everyone else vanished as well after that, undoubtedly going to bed themselves. No one had gotten any real rest after that fight and most of them were even still in their uniforms.

James was on his way to bed himself, debating if he would unpack first or just go straight to bed, when Tony stopped him. "Want me to fix the arm? I just have to reboot it, shouldn't take long at all."

James hesitated a second, unsure if he could take another emotionally taxing talk today, and he had no doubt that it would be that with Tony; he was sure Tony had a lot to say about their earlier talk. But the arm bothered him, he really relayed a lot on it, even in day to day use, and he wanted to have his full motion back.

He nodded and when Tony left for the workshop without a word, he followed him. They walked there in complete silence and James wondered with what Tony would begin.

But Tony didn't say anything until James was sitting down and then it was only to tell him how he wanted the arm.

James felt uneasy in the silence and in the end he was the one to break it. Tony was already working on his arm, plates open, and James couldn't have chosen a worse moment, because there was no way he could just get up and leave if this talk became too much for him.

"I'm sorry he assumed we were stepping out," James blurted out and then cursed himself. That hadn't been the thing he wanted to talk about at all and he wished he could take it back. It would probably be easy to resolve the other issues that came up in their previous conversation, half of them were already addressed in his heart-to-heart with Steve, but this topic with Tony was bound to be as painful as his talk with Steve had been.

Tony stopped his work on the arm, but he didn't look up. When he finally did, he also squared his shoulder and James dreaded the answer that would come.

When Tony eventually said "I'm not," James needed a few seconds to fully understand what Tony had just said.

"What," he finally managed and Tony put his tools away.

"I've been making a pass at you for the last few months, and I was really wondering if I lost my game. But if he noticed, then I must have done something right."

"You've been making what?" James asked, still a bit dumbstruck at the direction this conversation was headed into.

"James, seriously? I've been flirting with you almost non-stop."

"But you only ever say something about the arm! How is that flirting?"

"I thought you had a problem with the arm," Tony exclaimed and threw his hands in the air. "You wouldn't let anyone touch it, let alone work on it and I thought it bothered you. I tried to show you that it didn't bother me!"

"But I'm not bothered by the arm," James weakly uttered and Tony rolled his eyes.

"Yes, thank you, I realized that by now." Tony deeply sighed and then said "But it's fine, I get that my flirting bothers you, I mean your reaction to his assumption was pretty obvious, and I'll stop it." Tony looked down again and started to put the plates back into place. "I'm done here. Should be as good as new."

When he was done with the plates he started to move away and James grabbed for him with the metal hand, which, of course, was working flawlessly again. "I'm not done," he told Tony, whose eyes slightly widened at that statement.

"I thought you flirted with me because you wanted to work on the arm. That it was the only thing that interested you," he explained to him and Tony sat back down on his chair.

"The arm is like, okay not really the least interesting thing about you, but it's more like an added bonus. I'm interested in you. With or without the arm."

"That's the reason I wanted to leave," James confessed but Tony's face furrowed in confusion.

"I don't follow," Tony admitted lowly.

"I thought you were only interested in the arm. And if that weren't the case then you would probably like him, the other Bucky, a lot better than me. I mean, he _is_ less broken, that's true, and probably a lot more fun than me and…"

"Stop!" Tony snapped and James fell silent. "I like you exactly like you are, PTSD, nightmares and bad days included. And you're not broken. You've been through a lot, it's okay to be a bit messed up. We all are. And I know you don't think you are like the Bucky upstairs anymore, but the truth is you don't seem so different to me when you smile. You survived so much and that made you maybe a bit harder around the edges but you are still that same guy, even if you can't seem to realize that."

James was stunned after that little speech and didn't know what to say. Tony seemed to realize that as well because he added "So yes, I will probably like the other Bucky, but only because I already like _you_. I fell in love with you and if you don't feel the same way, that's fine, but don't think for a second you're undeserving or too broken to be loved or that it is because of the arm. Because I can assure you, it's not."

James was taken aback by the vehemence with which Tony talked and his throat closed up once more. He swallowed a few times and it obviously took too long because Tony moved a bit away from him. "Okay. Okay, I get it," he said and sounded a lot more hurt than his expression would let on. "I think we should go to bed now, it's been an exhausting day."

He got up, shoulders slightly hunched over and he avoided looking at James. And this wouldn't do, not at all, he needed Tony to look him in the eye again and so he got up as well and walked right into Tony's space.

James briefly thought of making an innuendo, like Tony had done countless times before, but he felt like he needed to be real clear with this and so he simply said "I like you, too."

Tony's eyes lit up and a smile slowly spread over his face. "Yeah?" he breathed in the air between them and James replied with an equally soft but decisive "Yes."

Tony's smile became a bit mischievous then and he was lightly chuckling even before he asked "Wanna step out with me then?"

James groaned but Tony started to laugh honestly and it was the best sight James had seen this day. It made it easy to play along. "I'll take you dancing, how about that?" he teasingly asked and Tony smirked at him.

"As long as you don't bring your 40s notions about how far to go on the first date into this, I'm fine with that."

"Oh yeah? What would you want to happen on our first date?"

"A kiss would be awesome," Tony smiled at him and James couldn't resist that. He leaned in and Tony met him in the middle, but James only brushed his lips lightly over Tony's.

"I told you not to bring the 40s into this," Tony pouted and James laughed at him.

"That would have been the 30s," James explained to him. "The 40s would have been a bit more like this." He leaned in again and this time he didn't tease Tony. When they parted, Tony's eyes were a bit glazed but he seemed deeply pleased.

"I think I like the 40s," he told Bucky, who laughed in response.

"There's a lot more you'd like about the 40s," he hinted and Tony honest to god blushed.

"Oh yeah?" he asked and tried to make it as suggestive as he could but Bucky didn't respond to that. He brought their foreheads together and closed his eyes, to just enjoy their proximity. Tony's hands came up, one stroking his shoulder and arm, while the other slipped into his hair to lightly scratch at his scalp.

"You can show me all about the 40s later. How about we go to bed, get some rest?"

"Sounds good," James tiredly murmured, feeling the toll the day took on him heavily now.

They walked out of the workshop, still close to each other and holding hands, unwilling to part even for a second. When they made it to James' room Tony warily eyed the packed bag but James distractedly kicked it to the side. He was too tired to unpack, or even get a shirt out of it, and so he just stripped out of his uniform without getting something to sleep in.

Tony watched him appreciatively before he started to undress himself. James watched him with the same appreciation but when Tony waggled his hips at him he slightly shook his head.

"Not that I don't like the view, but I think I'm too beat to do anything," James freely admitted and Tony laughed at him.

"Just showing off what would be in your future," he easily said and James extended his hand towards him. Tony came willingly and when he was within reach James pulled him close.

"I like how my future looks," he murmured into Tony's ear, who shivered slightly.

"I'm glad," he answered and then slowly moved them closer to the bed. "Sleep now?"

"Yes," James said with emphasis and they quickly lay down under the covers. They wriggled a bit around, until they had a position they were both comfortable with; Tony's back pressed to James' front, metal arm over his stomach and Tony's head pillowed on James' right arm. They were asleep within seconds.

When the team noticed their new closeness during the next few days there were a lot of encouraging comments or shoulder clasps, in Steve's case even a hug, and a very pointed 'I told you so' look from Bucky. After those first respectful days the team quickly descended into teasing them, but James and Tony took everything with a smile.

As it turned out they were in fact not able to predict where the portal would show up next nor could they force it to open up again, like Tony and Bruce had hoped. So they couldn't decide the time for sending Bucky back by themselves but were instead forced to work in a hurry in case the portal showed up again any time soon.

It meant they had to rush Bucky through everything they deemed important. They gave him pointers for all the important dates, not only during the war, but also after. Bucky took them all and promised to try and prevent as many of them as he could. They also squeezed in some combat training, since Bucky wasn't so good at hand-to-hand combat yet, and he took to the lessons eagerly.

Tony hit him up with as many weapons as he could, though he made Bucky promise not to show any of them to Howard, if he could help it. Bucky promised, admitting that he always thought of Howard as kind of a dick, which James confirmed.

They prepared Bucky as best as they could, while also managing some down time where they all just sat down and enjoyed a movie or two. The portal didn't show up for another week but when it finally did, they felt ready.

When they arrived at the sight, no Hydra agents were coming through and Bruce and Tony send in the camera they specifically built for this occasion. They had feared that maybe dimension hopping would kill the signal, but after a bit of snow on the screen they got a razor-sharp picture.

Bucky seemed to recognize the town they saw immediately. "That's Azzano. I was captured there. I can find my way back home from here." He sounded confident enough that Steve didn't fuss too much about letting him go back. He did voice his worry that Bucky could be captured again, but when Bucky just pointedly looked at the bag full of weapons, he shut up.

They all hugged Bucky before he went off, and Steve lingered a bit longer than the rest. "Be careful out there," he told him right before Bucky was about to go through the portal and Bucky saluted him. "Whatever you say, Captain."

He didn't wait for a response and vanished into the portal without a look back. James was positive that he would find his way back to Steve and the camp but he couldn't deny that he was a little bit worried, despite all the precautionary measures they took.

Tony was holding his hand and squeezing it lightly, trying to give him some reassurance that James gladly took.

When the portal closed again they lingered, unwilling to go and really leave Bucky behind but eventually Clint clasped his hands. "I feel like take out and a movie."

His suggestion was met with a lot of enthusiasm and so they made their way back to the Quinjet. James knew that he would probably worry about Bucky for the rest of his life, he would always wonder if he _did_ manage to change a few things, but he was also sure that the team would be right there with him.

When he curled up on the couch, half laying on top of Tony and his legs thrown over Steve's lap, surrounded by Natasha and Clint's bickering, Thor's joyful laugh and Bruce's fond expression, he knew that he was finally home.

* * *

Like I promised the link for the art is here again. It's art by 01091006. tumblr which you can find if you add post/ 99346422609 this to their url adress. If you like the art let them know!


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